Just when you think....your 'lover' of over thirty years

is 'ok' or something, you find out he or she is not. Because after thirty years, you'd think you would know the person.....

You gotta be pretty DENSE for that, ok?

Just because they pushed the right buttons and told you what you wanted to hear?????

Just because your'e an empahtetic person, and they know what strings to pluck on the little Stradivarius in your heart?

You can't get any denser...

No, it wasn't anything 'big'. Never is, when you get claw-hammered. It was a small remark. I shouldn't show up while everyone is still eating. And walk in as if I belonged there even though he gave me the key, because the big bad 'Nurse Ratchett' recently yelled, 'Is your Life Partner' coming today?' And they are gonna say bad things about him and he won't get any respect. Ohmygawd, how SHAMEFUL.

He wants to live out the rest of his life in 'dignity', hey.....

Yup. It means denying who he was, who he is, what we were for one another over thirty years, so he can deny everything. Another reason he killed my play.

Well, in my book, dignity is standing up for who you are and what you want, and standing by the person you chose, whoever it is. That is so fucked up. And yes, he is physically very ill, but it doesn't mitigate ANYTHING.

I know a lot of you live your lives in your little boxes, but are happy. I envy that. I know that a lot of you don't necessarily like people like me. It's ok, as long as you don't get violent or aggressive. BUT. Anyone, Anyone who comes at me with denigration, contempt, or aggression is going to get such a come-back, they will be sorry. It took me literally decades to feel ok in my skin.

I thought, I really thought, everything was ok. And I get it back from the one person I thought I loved and trusted, and defended against many who said, 'uh-uh'. I never figured in the generation gap. I thought he got over it. His 92 year old aunt doesn't blink an eye, and I can tell her just about anything... and she comes back affectionate, lovely, caring, accepting... So where is the PROBLEM, huh?

And you end up feeling so fucking dumb, words can't describe it.

So, just when you think, hey.... What do you DO when the one person you really loved turns out to be so devious? In many senses.

Hurt? I can't even begin to express it. Angry? No. Am too tired. Disappointed? Flattened.

At least I know what a stab in the back feels like.

I wish I'd been born later in the century. But they don't seem much happier either.

Just saying...

Update. And the next day, while cleaning out his furniture, I found two large envelopes with the logo from Vienna's English Theater, so it seems they did answer after all. Maybe they wanted to see something else, because one isn't addressed. The content was gone. He said they'd sent the ms back without a comment. I've had enough letters of rejection to know that cannot be the case. They always write something. And none of them ever told me to take up taxi-driving, or do something useful. He didn't want me to be 'upset'. Rubbish. So I sort of went off the charts for near-nervous-breakdown, but meanwhile have decided not to have one this month, thenk you veddy much.... But I surely wish I could have seen what they did write way back when. Oh yes, Preciouses, I do.