IF... you want to become an atheist...

The new series about the Borgias on show time is the place to begin. I'd read something about this history, but whoa! I assume that most of it is accurate.

And know enough about European history in general, but it was never like that series.

It's like watching 'The Godfather Meets the Papacy'. Except more brutal.

I'd really like to do some research on this. It's creepy in the extreme.

And yes, am wallowing in my own feeling of depression, don't wanna see anyone, don't want to interact with anyone, so I make it so that I don't have to go out of the house, except seven in the a.m., and just look at stuff till I can't see any more, and get so tired, I go to bed, which is the best place I can think of for me.

Yup, it's Peter withdrawal symptoms. I fixed it so he can't call me. And I miss that, but he can't afford it, hey. And feel sort of orphaned. I normally like silence in my house. But there are moments when I think it will drive me mad.

So what sort of cruel creator lets you fall totally, TOTALLY in love, and then lets you have to watch the person you love die in increments, really small ones at first that get bigger and bigger till you nearly explode out of desperation, what sort of cruelty spawns that?

I spent the weekend watching this idjit series out of the UK. About a vampire, a ghost, and a werewolf who want to realign the scheme of things by trying to emulate humans. Yeah, it sounds lame. But it was interesting as well.... redemption being a main theme. And nothing awfully religious, but the themes were there.

Well the Ghost gets thrown into limbo--- twice. It was interesting, from my point of view. Limbo was a corridor with doors leading to rooms which show you how you hurt someone, and you couldn't get out unless you repent.

THAT was very interesting to me. Because it is such bunk, it reeks.

WRONG! ÄäääH!

EVERYONE talks about 'near death experiences', and a door opens, and they see a blinding light?

BULLSHIT. I was dead on the table for five minutes when my tonsils were taken out, and the friggin doctor cut me too deep and I hemmoraghed. Which I learned after the fact. I just 'descended' into darkness, feet first, and my brother was laughing at me like a devil. And I went through his laughing mouth.... and there was silence, a silence I have NEVER known. And then there was NOTHING. It was so vast, and so endless, and so unfathomable, I was freaking out, but it was final. It was like being some speck in the universe, so indescribable, and horrible, but calm.

I was only twelve years old. But I assume that is what limbo is like. Incomprehensible. And why should I have been there? I didn't do anything wrong, was an unwritten slate.

OR.... you die, and there is this vast nothingness, no jollying about with your family and friends, or reconciliations... just nothing. And I really can't describe it better than that.

My Grandfahter used to rail against injustices when he was in the State House of Representatives, and get so frustrated, he'd juice up, and end a rant with 'Ashes t o Ashes, Dust to Dust.... fuck it.'

I don't wish to offend anyone with this post, you can believe what you believe. My experience shows me.... there is one vast VAST piece of dark, and you are still 'there', but a shred of that nothingness.

So something like 'The Borgias' or 'Being Human'---- well those philosopihies just don't cut it with me. 'Can we say wishful thinking?

Believe me--- nothingness.