Just a bit of mind-surfing on the keyboard....

Y'know... one of those 2 a.m. things when sleep won't come.

For three days now, it is clear we are entering what I call 'the tunnel'. It's the weather, and lack of light.

It gets light later and later, and twilight earlier and earlier... and then all you get are days of twilight, and it won't get any better before January, mostly... with an odd day of sun here and there to break the monotony.

It didn't use to bother me, but of late, it is opressive. Weighs one down.

I crossed paths with my landlady today. She was friendly, even gracious. Out in the court. Which was odd. I thought she was really pissed off at me.

We were polite. She asked about my 'partner'. Which was purely greedy inquisitiveness on her part. (shrug) Didn't really matter to me one way or the other. I told her. I have this 'thing' about telling the truth.

I know her husband is in a similar state. And she said, 'Hey, sometimes you have to see the humour in it.'

I think my funny bone got shot off in the war against diabetes somewhere along the line. Never knowing when the next crisis would come.

So I slept part of the day, and now am up at the god awful night-time hour of 2 a.m. Just having the thoughts running through my mind... and Peter is always a constant.

Y'know... It is so difficult being so cut off from him after 35 years. In all that time, I think there were about four different weeks we weren't together every day, even if the time was short some days... we worked hard, and took that seriously too.
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It is so disconcerting that we can take a relationship so for granted that we can also be neglectful, because, 'oh, there's a crisis here', or 'have to fix that.' And 'there'll be time later on'. And we miss the important part of the entire venture. To savour one another's company as much as possible. Because one day, you won't have that any more.

I feel like something has been amputated out of me. So often in the day, my first reaction to something is, 'oh, wouldn't Peter love that', or 'wait till I tell him this',

Except I can't and I won't be able to.

Gawwd, how I miss him, despite all his faults, but he sure overlooked mine...

Which evens things out. More or less.

And I think, whether gay or straight, if you get through three decades without wanting to kill one another and only have mostly good feelings... well it was probably 'lurvvv'.

What I miss most right now? Falling asleep with him holding me, and waking up to find him watching me. I felt safe and loved. And yeah, he used to love watching me sleeping in his arms.

How extraordinarily pornographic.

If we'd filmed it, people would have fallen asleep watching it. Maybe there is a market for it somewhere in this dumb world.

Not being able to visit regurlarly and being so strapped is making me feel neglectful. And guilty. But the last time... it was such a strain on him, and my allotted time was so long, it wore him out.

If I call, five minutes is all he can take.

It's tragic.

I really wanted to become very old with him and scare a lot of horses.

I guess as a couple, we were pretty disgusting. Finished one another's sentences, laughed at the same things, sometimes so much it was side-stiching.

Odd thought... one of the first times we were alone, he was gong ON about a new Peggy Lee album. He'd seen her in Copenhagen in a bar, and she was so drunk she fell off the bar stool. She was singing, by the by...

He loved the version of 'Is That All There Is' on it.

Tja, Is that REALLY all there is? Depressing.

And on that note...