ok, we got us a Sunday....

And I spoke to Peter for the first time in three weeks. He was having a good, rational day, which is so desireable... I got leaks in my tear ducts, I really need an eye plumber.

We covered a lot of issues, and it was so relieving to know that he KNOWS that I leave the phone off the hook on purpose, but that I love him anyway. He picked up on it.

As above, he had a good, lucid day. Where we could talk about anything, even the friggin' royal wedding, and I let off some bombs that had him laughing, and he said, 'Jeebus, you ALWAYS make me laugh. That is why i LOVE you.!'

And we got some semblance of what to do about his problems, and me not getting burdened with the crap he pulled, just don't speak to me about bloody marriage...

Let's just say it was an up and down phone call. Nothing contentious, but civil, and actually... loving.

I know that sounds so weird, but you don't spend fourty years 'with' someone, then get cut off, and all you get is crap from other people, but you end up missing the person you 'chose' somehow to be with. The one who can be uncertain and you comfort. The one who holds you in the night when you are upset and makes you feel safe.

People can say what they will, and people have looked down on the person I chose to love. You do choose, you know. But most of them don't know anything.

I will go to Gamlitz Thursday. I don't know if Peter's 'today being aware' will last till then. I don't.

I just had this glimpse of what used to be, and oh dear, how we laughed.

That is the worst thing about that disease.

You get a moment... but it doesn't mean it will be disappeared in the next as if it never were for them.

We shall see.