just when you think you are not a backward-looking person....

( and we all KNOW what the late Tammy Faye Bakker said: 'You can't go forward lookin' in the rear-view mirror of your LIFE.' For all the absurdity about her, that was a good one, just sayin.')

But just when you think that, a 'day' comes around, one you wish had never happened... one that was a watershed development, and so earth-shaking, it is worth taking a moment, and ]]]] look BACK [[[[[ (nah, am not gonna go all 'drama queen' on ya....)

One year ago today, about two hours from now, I took Peter grocery shopping at a supermarket. I had a hard time getting him down the stairs, and actually wanted to put it off to the next day. He said his blood sugar was too low. But he was so hectic, I gave in. Big mistake, hey....

Well, he used to do little things to irritate me, you see? One of them was fidgeting around when I was trying to steer. Or braking with his foot at the most inopportune time. We used to be 'teh' hit at the market with macabre jokes about how I was gonna 'dispose' of him up-river where there are ducks. Sort of: 'scarin' the horses', hey. Gawd, how we all laughed....

And then, he seemed a bit wonky when I rolled him into the supermarket. And then... and then... he fell over to one side, and nearly tipped out of the chair.

And what do you think my first reaction was? I smacked him one on the shoulder, HARD, and yelled, 'What the FUCK are you DOING?!!! SIT UP, hey!. I can't steer!' So how is THAT for 'empathetic', hey? I am ashamed to this day that I didn't see it for what it was, immediately. It happened so fast.

It took me at least one minute to realise..... something is very wrong here. And this 'voice' was in my head, yelling, 'STROKE! STROKE!' and another saying, 'stay calm, sugar too low. ' I got him to the check-out, grabbed an ice-cream on the way as a last hope, 'please tell me this isn't happening' ploy on the way out, and tried to feed him some. And these people were yelling at me, what was I thinking of, putting the pillow so crooked, and making him lop-sided, and trying to right him up. I've seen many a horror film, and liked them, but that was just so off-the-wall REAL... Horrible....

It glopped out of his mouth and fell on his jacket, and normally, he'd have gone ape-shit over that. No reaction. I wanted to get an ambulance, FAST.

He insisted he wanted to go home. There isn't a mule in Missouri more stubborn than Peter. And me in full panic mode. 'He'll never get up the stairs. And then I can call the ambulance.'
I have NEVER ran those three blocks so FAST in my life.

And called the ambulance.

He refused to go with them. He really didn't know what had hit him. They were so kind, and time was of the essence. Didn't want to budge, and I had no real 'status' or 'right' to say, 'You get him out of here. NOW!' No rights, Preciousses...

I was off-the-charts for 'helpless'.

(I fucking hate 'helpless'.)

The Red Cross people couldn't just leave him there. So they called the police. One big BULL of a guy, about my age, and four petite police-ettes. Uh-HUH, I thought, this is REALLY going to 'help'. Jawohl...

But it worked. And in that moment, he was so fucking angry with me. Thinking I had sicced the cops on him. They took him away in an ambulance, and he glared at me out the window. I sort of died inside, at that moment.

Three hours later, he called me and thanked me for intervening.

Fuck. Just... fuck.

So... happy anniversary, Peter. I so SO wish it had gone down otherwise, but am not clairvoyant.

And the next time someone wants to tell you about 'teh gays', and their supposed agenda, think about how that felt for me. How it is to have NO RIGHTS. And that fucking helpless....

We are just people, too. It really does not matter whom you love. One of the best things you can say in your life, is THAT you loved, with all your heart, and it really doesn't matter whom it was. What MATTERS is if they gave you that little piece of their heart and loved you back, as imperfect as it is.

And NOTHING is perfect. We all know that.

So.... now that I have THAT outta my system.... can we look forward now and see what the windshield TELLS us, hey?

Just don't tell me more storms on the horizon. I need time.

Just sayin'