It's the doldrums again...... Summer... silly season, sour pickle time

is what they call it in my neck of the woods....

But it wouldn't be 'the square' if I didn't walk out the door and have some sort of new experience, as I told Millie recently.... I needed snigarettes, and went out for some meager provisions.... and ran straight into Rudy Doody. He looked terrible.

He tried to do a guilt trip on me because his wife Krista was doing a lot of hand-wringing thinking I was blaming them for letting the HAY into the courtyard. (The HAY is Viennese dialect for the cops....) It's probably spelled differently, but I never got far enough with German to get to know the spelling ins and outs of dialects. But that is what it sounds like, ok?

And she thought I was blaming THEM or something, and had it all wrong, as per usual....

I was fairly non-plussed....

Well, I told him I knew they weren't behind it... this time... and tried to set the record straight.

And he looked like a picture of pure misery.

Whatever, I cleared him up on that, and out she came with a case of beer and in her usual fog, and I got a few new details of what was going on that fateful Friday. She was hanging up the wash in the building next to me, and they were outside on the square, trying to break the door down! (You can easily access my house from the back way, and do NOT make jokes about that, but no, they were into 'heroics'.) So she opened up, and they were in friggin' panic mode, asking where I was. They could just as well have ordered a clown car with the Keystone Kops, hey.

They said they were here to 'help' me. Uh-huh. I heard them yelling down in the courtyard, but chose to ignore it at first. And then I heard one of them yell, 'LOOK, the window is open!' (Nice going, Sherlock...) And they were actually getting a tall ladder from another house and planning to enter that way.

Till I finally went to the window and said, 'wtf do YOU want? Leave me alone.'

THEY thought I had been in jail. So you can bet your tailfeathers that I have since become a 'colorful' person out on the square, because they just never shut their moufs....

Actually, I find that amusing....

I always wanted to be a juvenile deliquent, you know, the duck tail hairdo, greased down, the attitude, and reeking of testoterone, and considered 'mad, bad, and dangerous to know.'

Be careful what you wish for when you are young.... it can come back and bite you in the arse.

Actually, it is sort of funny, when you stop and think about it.....

And illustrates the fact, you don't have to go looking for adventure, you can just walk out your door.

But it reminded me of my marathon discussion with Elke Wednesday. About how my psychologist said I should move and get a rent-controlled place in Gamlitz. She was horrified. And I said, 'I can't do it for a mess of reasons. I can't TAKE watching Peter deteriorate every day, and NO ONE is ever gonna accept me down there, as polite as they are... I just can't.'

And she told me if I did that, I would be just a 'Zugereister', which is a bad word. The outsider, but hmmm... the only context I can come up with in this comparison is from the South: Carpetbagger. And we were weighing the merits of this choice, and I said, 'Well, it wouldn't be that much different from living out on the Square.... it is like a small village, except I am a City person. It would drive me crazy for real.' She was relieved. I can go elsewhere and be anonymous, if I wish, where I am. And some people are very nice to me where I am.... which makes me feel comfortable....

So.... that was my 'adventure' of the day, ok?

Not so good was Peter.... his breathing was so bad yesterday, I was about to call the head of the nursing home and raise hell. Turns out he got way too much insulin, his sugar was down to 54, and that is just short of falling into a coma. But they were able to turn it around.

Today, it is still too low.

When the hell is my hair gonna turn white while I still HAVE some, huh?

I was so irritated with Friday's edition of One Life to Live this morning I was spitting nails. Talk about cliff-hangers, and Eli (a psychopath) is close to killing everyone in sight, but still no clues as to motive. Whelp, am just gonna have to wait till Tuesday to see the Monday broadcast, and it isn't fair, hey.

But then again, I can look forward to it.....

But then again, it's just another boooo---ring weekend where everyone pretends that all is well with the world, no real news, and CBS is running re-runs. I should sleep through it, but really don't feel like doing so.

Yup. Silly season.

What's up in YOUR corner of the world???

Oh WOW! And they used to call ME 'Flipper' at work when I got angry....

Congressman Anthony Weiner of NY (Queens) must be my sneakret half-brother with my Bio-Mom's bad genes. He's been on my radar for a while now in the news, tough, hard, but very likeable. The GOP blocked a bill to give health benefits to 9/11 first responders who are ill due to all the toxins they were subjected to, and he flipped out on the House floor. I wish he were my sneakret half-brother.... I really do. High drama. It's less than two minutes, but boy, I love that fire.

Can someone please tell me WHY

this continues to happen, over so long, and no one seems to give a shit?

What a waste. This vid is from the Guardian in England. It is chilling, but no, everyone bloviates in Washington, and the reality is kept from the public. It was difficult to watch.

Just a note... the kindness of strangers.....

I was on the way back from Gamlitz to Ehrenhausen yesterday. And normally, I'm fired up and make him laugh, because normally, I'm the only person on the bus, so I do my Ren shuffle to cheer him up, so to speak. It HAS to be depressing to have only one passenger on your bus, after all. He's sort of a Hippie at heart, I guess.... And I was quiet, not really in the mood for talking....

And he wanted to cheer ME up all of a sudden. He had been to see a concert John Fogarty gave in Graz. And flipped out. Big CCR fan, turns out. 'Man, what he DOES with a guitar, it was fantastic!' Well, we went from that to the idea that all the musicians MUST have been Americans, and I said, 'That's not true. When I was working, we had many groups in, and they were on tour, and the musicians were from all over the world, they just had to be good.' And he asked, 'How can they DO that?' And I said, 'Music is an international language, hey. It always works.'

You give a bit, and you get. I had to smile. I lurves me some wild-assed Austrians....

Yesterday, was on safari.....

It was my Gamitz day. Peter was looking nice but didn't feel well at all, it was hot and humid. A 'threat' of thunderstorm in the air....






The town is in the hot phase of being the best-flowered town in all the region, and it is beautiful. (It's a competition, and they win often....) Although the cornfields round about do not look well, and the husks are brown for dying... Too little rain....




And I stopped on my way back to visit for a couple of hours with two of the nicest people I know. Meet my ex-colleague Elke and her husband. I love this photo, because it was more or less a snapshot, just before we left so I could get my train. I guess I found the moment, because that is who they are. Gerhard's arm is still bandaged because he was coming home on his small motorcycle, and grazed a wall in an underpass not far away. We followed the way from the chaos at the train station to her house, and she showed me the trail of blood, 'that ate into the asphalt.' Austrians are very cool, they just shuck it off as if nothing happened. Annnd, I did what Austrians, do and said, 'What the HELL have YOU been up to?' They say that when misfortune befalls you, believe me, have been there often enough on the receiving end.... Just look at their eyes..... to drown in. Blogger isn't letting me format this as I would wish, but in this case, you take what you can get. It was like getting something soothing after a sunburn. Enjoy. Because it wasn't posed. They are off for vacation on Sunday.

Man, there is a line I am looking for, and wish I could quote....

Part of it is, 'Demons will hound you, everywhere, I don't care, but from now on? Nothing will harm you... not while I'm around.'

Some will know it's from Sweeney Todd, one of the sweetest numbers from it.

Tja...... sigh... this isn't the musical, I don't have a guardian angel to protect me, and this isn't about the musical.

Ok, one of the things I absolutely hate is opening my snail-mail post, I do. Because it is full of ads for things I can't buy, do not need, bitching stuff.... Fehhh, I open it, throw the junk away, and shake my head in disgust.

Now if one has half a brain, one would go to the bank, which drives me absolutely bonkers, AND.... you take care of your running costs and have them automatically withdrawn from your account, and the rest is what you have to life on for the rest of any given month.

It is the most sensible advice I can give to anyone. You have no bills in the mail-box which you might forget about. You know what you have to live on for the rest of the month for groceries, and so on, it's a win-win 'sitivation', and you don't worry..... mostly

Occasionally some additional things come in which are valid, but not so much. Which I hate.... they should calculate more correctly...

But it is never all too much, and that is fine. However: Demons are prowling, everywhere.

This is the THIRD time I have gotten a bill from Germany, never the same place. For 101 Euros!!!!! The first time was from an internet site I had never heard of, the second had to do with an Auto routing site, and we all know I have never driven in my life, and now... a contact service.

My goodness, or badness: I have never heard of this place before, nor do I wish to, nor was I ever there or signed a contract of any sort. Ever.... It seems I am on a hit-list.

In other words, I know what to do. As in: not pay it, it is a scam aimed at people 60 or over. So what if my faculties aren't 100% , and I can't remember and go panicked and pay these grifters? Well, that is some of the most predatory practices I have ever seen.

And I am thinking here, these poor people may not be fully aware, and the predators go in and scare them to death with false bills.

I KNOW where I go very day, and it is mostly MSNBC, and CBS, and progressive blogs. I haven't been to contact sites in years, want to be left alone.

Under the motto, 'I don't know you, you don't know me.... let's leave it that way.'

These people are slime.

oK::::: i just learned I had been lied to.

The Cocoanut fire happened in 1942, because I was born 7 years later, so it couldn't have been my my weird grandparents told me, so why LIE about it? I can't buy that...

I remember distinctly seeing reoports, live on tee-vee. It was horrible. Maybe it was a re-run of the news on that, but WHY the FUCK HELL would my uncle go anlong with lying.

I was just a kid, and manipulatable.

Ok, I'm not gonna dwell with it, but it gets to be a shock, when what you think was.... wasn't.

There must be another answer.

This has to be the weirdest thing I ever found out....

Other than I made finding out the Mom I loved, once made a decision which ruined her happiness...

Families hold sneakrets, sometimes very big ones.I'

What was the SENSE in telling me my uncle should have been in some catastrope BEFORE he was as adult?

Unless it was something else, and her mind wasn't exactly sane...

I will have to look for clues. This is really crass. I saw the tee-vee, it happened 'somewhere' nearby. And at that time things were 'live'....

That was shocking.

Am off to bed, my ribs hurt.

Wish me I can sleep, and this time I didn't have a librarian fall on me.

Update: I went into Google and did some searching. In the Fifties, there were major forest fires, but none involving night clubs, and none of them around my home.

What the HELL was that glitter in their eyes story ABOUT? Hmmm... The story about the fire was true, it is harrowing to read. 469 young people died there, and it did change the fire laws, but it was in 1942, so why TELL me something like that? My uncle was fully distraught, and they just covered it up, or something, I was way younger, but believed it. Y'know.... families have secrets. Sometimes big ones. It gets sort of weird, when you were told untruths, and can't find a starting place to look...

Ok, news of the week in review.....

I sort of followed this, and thought, well, whaddaya want from Faux news. And woke up when suddenly I learned the source was one really great piece of scum, who threw ACORN under the bus, and then t turned out the journalists, KNOWING that that ass was behind it, went into some sort of orgasm, and it turned out that a very honourable woman got smeared and lost her job because of it.

She was right about one thing. The right has played the whites from the first day of the Obama administration, and they want to drive a wedge between the races for seat gains, and they don't care if someone innocent gets burned and has their reputation and carreer ruined.

As to the Countdown 'special comment' segment above, Olberman was on vacation, and came in extra, spitting fire. Please note, if you watch, he didn't exempt his own network from his scathing criticism.

Then there was the breaking of a 90 year old dam in Delhi Iowa. And caused much destruction, am not sure how much loss of life or destruction.... It looked very frightening.... which brings us to the topic..... the US is not investing in maintaining infrastructure. There was that collapsed bridge in Minnesota not so long ago, remember, and IT hadn't been maintained. I expect the same in this story. Anything for a buck, and greed rules till 'something happens', will bet it had the same background there, and then some Ditz gets on CBS and whines about the millions it will cost to repair the dam. Nothing about the owners of the estimated 1000 homes, and their owners, some of which were swept away, or badly damaged. Class act.


Ok, for senseless idjit things that go on in the summer in Germany, there has been the Love Parade. It was one of the craziests things I have ever seen, and for a long time, it was in Berlin, and would wind down from Bradenburg gate, and through the hugest parks you have ever seen... and everyone would get their dance shoes on, and the craziest clothes you have ever seen. It was about 'lurv' and techno music. And the venue were very broad avenues, LOTS of open space, and it was fairly cool, and I would have liked to have gone and gotten my ear-drums shattered... it was LOUD, funny, funky bizarre, and would have made for good pictures....



It cost Berlin a hell of a lot of money to put it on, so as the report says, it has been held in other cities the past few years. When I saw the first reports from Duisburg, my first thought was 'my GAWWD, I wouldn't go into a venue like that.' Through tunnels, and narrow bottlenecks to get there. Reports say there were a million people there. According to the local headlines today, 19 people were trampled to death, and 340 injured, some seriously.

Now they are looking for the scapegoat who set off the panic and stampede. I'm not trying to whitewash him, the venue was ABSOLUTELY wrong. And whoever it might have been obviously had no training in crowd control...... The REAL blame goes to whomever decided to hold it there in the first place.

Y'know... we can even look back to the Fifties on the topic. My uncle was supposed to go with friends and class-mates to the famed Cocoanut Grove in Bawston, a dance place. For some reason he got grounded. Well, they had cheap, flammable decorations, and some caught fire. There was a stampede to the door, the only entrance, and of course, in the panic, someone fell, the door blocked, and a mess of people died in that fire. It had big consequences, and the nation's fire departments soon had a mess of regulations in place so that nothing like that would ever happen ever again. You can look it up on Google. I just remember the aftermath vividly.

So.... I just had a not-so-good week, and no desire to write. When it goes over thirty degrees, I'm good for absolutely nothing.... I did get to Gamlitz last Monday, somehow. Wednesday, the tiles were wet in my bathroom, and I took a fall, and bruised my ribs. Not broke them, just bruised, but that is worse than breaking them. I haven't slept really for the past three nights.

And do not tell me I do not know whereof I speak. I got BOTH sides bruised before, and the pain is very severe, and it doesn't go away in a day or two, so will have to clench my teeth and bear it. I'm glad that this time it was only one side.

Someone is gonna ax me, 'How do you get both sides of your ribs bruised?' My GP at the time did. So I just said, 'Don't ever get involved with a younger male librarian who is to frisky, and jumps on you and is so clumsy, he comes full force with his knees on your ribs. That is rule number one.'

I wish I'd had a camera with me.... that idjit couldn't find WORDS, hey.

Otherwise, don't ask further.

So, I guess that is the week in review..... I caught up on '48 Hours/Mystery', which I find interesting if sometimes lame. Sundays are deadly in Graz in the summer. Otherwise, I tried to sleep without hurting.

How was your week?

ok, the topic of the Day... is Venerables....

I know, I know... you normally have only one Venerable in your life. But others have them as well... and this will sound sort of crazy..... But whaddaya want, just spent my summer vacation in a nut-house..... It was SOOO cheap, hey. 60 Euros co-pay. Wow hey. I had four meals a day, two of which weren't writing home about, the others ok..... I had scary to interesting bunk mates, it was boot camp for psych class, what more could a boy wish for, huh? I even got to play mini-golf for the first time in over 45 years. Without a belt and under supervision, so was waaaaay handicapped. But it was fun..... holding my pants up and trying to hit the little ball....

But this is about my Venerable. He has had some misconceptions about my relationship, and yesterday, I wanted to clear that up. Because it wasn't fair to my partner. And despite what many people think, I've never been misused or abused. I always had my eyes way wide open.

And gave my heart away in a fashion I could never have imagined. And received very much in return. It should have been the perfect fairy tale, you should pardon the expression.... should have been.

Funny, how that works....

I never walked blindly into my relationship. It took me three years to work up from being a friend to realising, this is the man I have been looking for. But I didn't KNOW what was coming, I thought 'happy ever after' which is the non plus ultra, and you couldn't GET any better.

Tja, and then he got sick. And the man I depended on.... well I had to turn it around and be as strong for him as he had been for me. That's whatcha do... You pay it back.

My Venerable is astounding, he really is. His reply made me cry with relief.

I've never relished the role of Bad Boy of the Fambly. I just followed my heart, regardless of where it took me. Yeah, selfish, some might say, but I think you just have to do that, follow where your heart leads you.

There is another Venerable out here in Austria-Land.... I was so freaked when I got interred, I only had one call allowed. Of course I called Peter, because I NEVER have all those long cell phone numbers in my head. And I said, 'Call Elke in Leibnitz, and tell her where I am. I need to see her so no one thinks I did something stupid.' Less than an hour later, she was there, with HER Venerable, her mother. She was so wide-eyed, I can't even describe it, Elke was. I did some sign, can't get out, look for personnell to open the door.'

ohhhh, gawwwd. They came and I would have talked to them among my inmates, skeery as that would be, but the staff was nice enough, and said we could go to another room without patients, but only if I promised, I WOULDN'T RUN AWAY. And I looked at the guy.... Thinking 'WHAA?' I have a variety of 'looks' so I went to scathing.... And I said, 'Let me get this straight. You think I would run away. I have no belt to keep my pants up, you took my shoe-laces, and---I'm gonna run away???? Who is running this asylum? These two LADIES are just here to make sure I'm ok, ok?'

So we got our private space to talk. Elke was really upset. So I had to calm her down a bit. She had been afraid to go there alone. And her MOTHER was looking at me sort of bemused. I only met her once, a few months ago. And she said, 'Ren... could you PLEASE tell me what the hell is going ON here?'

I did, as best I could. She is very awesome.

Oh my... it's all water over the dam. As we say.

But it is very nice to know that other people have a 'Venerable', an honoured person who cares.

And a friend who would drop everything and drive nearly an hour to find me, and send some mails.

That IS what friends do for you, real ones.

I've been fairly blessed in that department.

So ok.... I will stop in Leibnitz next Wednesday on my way back to Graz. And see Elke, and her beautiful daughters, her to die for cute husband, and her awesome Mom.

OOOO.... something to look forward to. We talked per phone yesterday, am not a phone person. I told her, 'your Mom is awesome' and she should give her my greetings. I KNOW golden when I see it.

Jeebus! Talk about phones, hey! It rang and scared the bejezzus out of me, I have to find another one. My social worker. 'Are you ok?' 'More or less.... I'm not running about jumping for joy....' We had a nice talk. And I finished with, 'if things catch fire, I'll come running to you.'

oh gawwd.... What the hell did I get myself into, hey?

Not to bitch, she is a very nice lady.

Nice is not a negative word, ok?

Y'know.... ???? I get VERY uncomfortable about welfare. I DO. All my life, I have been very happy to contribute through taxes, NEVER had a thought about it, it was your taxes, gone, someone gets help who needs it.

But I have never wanted to be a recipient.... I don't want it, would rather starve than take it, it just isn't in my genetic make-up.

Yeah, I can give and it's fine with me.

Gawwd am I still messed up in my thinking.

And thank whomever for the Venerables who 'set our calves straight' and send us in the right direction, they rule.

Ummm, errm..... The battle of the Soaps.

The Venerable got back on IM two days ago. We got into a discussion about Soaps, so shoot me. At one point, he said 'I can't believe I'm over ninety years old, talking to my sixty year old son about Soap operas.' We are passionate about what we watch, and this so crazy....

In a very fun way. He watches mine now and again. I have never seen his. So we have a ten Euro bet on.... Whose is better. The one whose is better wins ten Euros.

So thanks to the miracle of YouTube, I can watch his. And mine. I love mine. One Life To Live. Stick it in your pipe and smoke it, as we used to say.

oooooo... I got a bill in the mail. my co-pay for being in the nut-house for a week. Sixty Euros. Hokay, waddid I get? Um a week held against my will. without a belt and my pants wanting to fall down all the time..... which is sort of like fraternity hazing.... four meals a day, two of which were one-star quality. A roof over my head, except some people were nasty. It was a VACATION, hey. Middle of the week, I could go out and pick up a tenner to buy sniggarettes. Being GUARDED without a belt and holding my pants up. AND... my last day I got escorted to play mini-golf, which I hadn't done in over forty years. I was miserable at it. I lost.

Badly.

I KNEW there was a reason for that.

Humiliation.

It is hard to putt if you have to hold up your pants, hey.

Just leave it to me... I got the ball in the hole....

Eventually.

So... ok. It was my summer vacation. Not what I envisioned, certainly. It was sort of odd...

So ok, will pay the bill.... eventually. Jeebus....

This morning I was out on the square 'ratsching' with Millie at the flower stand. Business is non existant. I caught her up on my shenannigans. We got so INTO talking, time flew. She is going on vacation two weeks from now. To Saint Petersburg, and then a ship to Moscow. GAWD was I envious. And then came the kicker: 'We've been to 'murka twice, and now we're going for culture.' I was left SPITLESS. And I asked, 'ummm... Did I infect you with something?'

No, she doesn't like it there. Oh, thank you George Bush, heckofa job, man.

We're talking about the man or woman on the street here.

So... we can go from looking at Soaps, and what happens.... but in the world, everything changes every day.

Errm... how to lose your appetite....

So do not open this if children are in the room. It happened some days ago in my back yard. Vienna. A friend sent it to me. Was about to eat, but then I thought better of it. She asked me to note the women in the back who were so enjoying the day, and got ice cream. Uh-huh.
I am going to so refrain from expressing my outrage at the moment. What was the capitol THINKING, allowing such barbarity as public spectacle, unless they didn't realise what it was about beforehand, I wouldn't be surprised...

Update: I am putting a disclaimer on WHERE THIS TOOK PLACE for the time being. I have been trying to research this one thing, and have been looking for more than three days before even posting it. I cannot find hard evidence to prove that it WAS in Vienna. It might be a foil to stir uprage over immigration and racist sentiment. The video itself, well, it proves that that 'ritual' takes place, and I condemn it, but not finding hard evidence that this was in Vienna bothers me. If it turns out that a lot of people have fallen for a scam to intensify hate, I will pull the video, and formally apologise. And I am still looking hard. Because I am not fully buying the fact of the where.

Ok, Google had some new references, don't know which came first the chicken or the egg, but they were all white supremicist sites. It's a scam. I have a sneaking suspicion that there is an Austrian connection, but can't prove it, so will shut up.

Gone. Am sure it's a scam.... I think I have a lead on where to look. And apologise for falling for that. And mind you only about the where. It disgusted me, wherever the hell it was. Have to keep looking and trying to place an ID on the where, but I have a sneaking suspicion it has its' generic roots right in my back yard. Will continue to look. And Annti, your Nr 1 in the first comment made me have the breakthrough and dig deeper. Something wasn't right about the 'where'. I had seen it was coming from several sources, but should have looked into those people's connections. Won't fall for that again. Sorry, will quadruple check in the future.

Now to DO something about these fear-engendering low-life idjits.

I think I know how. It doesn't negate what was said below in the comments, but to use it to promote fear is unconscionable.

Final update: YouTube and other similar sites are pulling this video as soon as they get posted. And I would like to know who is behind it. The Tree of Liberty group is pushing the story, and THAT told me as much as I needed to know.

I would pull this completely, but will let it stand as a cautionary tale, and there were some topics in the comments which bear cogitating on....

Ok, this is morbid.... but surprises me, actuallly....

and assures me that my surmises have been correct of late.

For about a year or so now, have been fascinated with a Soap Opera from ABC which is often so suppenseful, and entgertaining, I ALWAYS wanna see what is going to happen next. That is what Oldies DO, after all. Living 'vicariously', but I love a well turned plot, and being surprised in the turns in the plots they come up with, which are mostly very well thought out. I watch it via YouTube, and just lurvs me the comments section on each episode. Some seem somewhat surperficial, others go ON about the themes, all seem to have their likes and dislikes about the characters in it.... It can set me in a good mood for the day.

But there is one story line at the moment which seems to have all fans in an uproar.

How to put this succinctly? This artist guy, white, has an affair with an Afro American lawyer lady, they break up, but remain friends, and am not sure what it was, but the lady gets attacked, and beat into a coma in his apt., didn't see that part. So the mother hates the guy, and seemingly he wasn't guilty about anything concerning the attack, but he falls in love with her sister, who hates him at first. That was fun to watch.

So to get to the current part of the story: the sister is declining fast, on life support and will never recover, and there is lots of debate about what to do, and the mother is furious, and hates her other daughter for even considering cutting off the respirator, and her attacks are ugly.

Now these decisions happen daily all over the world, and yes, they are a moral dillemma. I KNOW that one, all right, and I wasn't ready for facing that one when it happened... It was a number of years ago, but I well remember my last visit. I considered him a close friend. The 'kid' was only thirty-six years old. So for me, he was a 'kid'. He had a respirator tube, and so much for tubes running in and out of him, hadn't woken, and it looked hopeless. Completely.

I was told to stroke his upper left arm and talk into his left ear. So I whispered, 'Hey, it's Ren. What the hell were you thinking, falling in a brook and drowning, you obstinate guy you? What were you thinking?' I could SWEAR that he got that sarcastic little upturn smile at the corners of his mouf, but hoped it was wishful thinking at the time. And continued, 'Listen, it seems you've been stuck in some in-between place die for six months now. Please come back to the people you love. But if you cannot, let go, and we will all still love you. And I love you.' And he suddenly looked peaceful.

He died a day later, cramps, sort of epilectic, and was gone.

So... the reaction to this story line about Evangeline being on life support has the fans on absolute revulsion, they don't want to hear it, they don't want to know about it, they want to see the pretty teens and foolish Oldies, but that theme is anathema to them. It's so typical 'Murkin.... they can't deal with death. Never have...

As far as the story-line there has gone, I think the writers are doing a good job, but am afraid however, the fans don't wanna face it, except most will one day. And a lot of people don't seem to understand that 'shelf'-life.... is limited. No one ever wants to think about it. But it's best when you know what you want when your time runs out.

These people should just grow up. No one stays young forever--except maybe Joan Rivers, who has become so high-maintainence.... well you finish that sentence.... She can't get brain fresheners, after all.

oh.... my... gawd.....

Annti is gonna have an aneurism. As in major aneurism.

Darth Vader, aka, vice pres DICK Cheney was in heart failure.... and they put some weird thing in him, state of the art pump and he has no pulse. Not that anyone ever thought he had one anyway this past decade, let alone a heart.... And yay, he's gonna live, our favorite vampire.... the guy you love to hate.

Now isn't THAT something to wake up to??? It got better, he has to wear a battery pack outside him to keep the pump going, and has to have them re-charged per electricity in the night..... I just learned this from Rachel Maddow from last night, and am speechless. The only thing missing was a plug in the ads for rechargeable Duracells.

Oh, the miracles of modern science, and what ooodles and ooodles of money can do!

Ok, I don't wish misfortune on most people. I really do not. If a person is evil personified, they will pay wherever they land, but this person has no intention of going.

They never EVER learn that if the door is open, you depart gracefully..... well, as gracefully as you can, at least, and not let the door slap you in the behind on your way out.

The second block is horrific. Kentucky Senator, (R) Jim Bunning said his colleague Steinbrenner was 'smart enough to die in 2010', because.... his family will avoid a loop-hole in the Bush tax cut plan for the super-rich, and not have to pay estate taxes. The man hasn't been dead for even 24 HOURS.

Now THAT has to be one of the most shameful things I have ever heard anyone say. What the hell is WRONG about these people, or am I crazy for real? This is all the GOP has?

Y'know, we have a saying here: 'Your last shirt has no pockets.' And yes, I know, it's the equivalent of, 'you can't take it with you....'

I don't know.... this is all sort of disgusting and am not sure I want to hear the rest, but am a news masochist. 'Bring it on, hey! Tell me something new I can get fired up about.'

I could just give up at the moment.

Does anyone remember the safe word?

Gawwwd!

Errrm...... dispersants in the gulf....

I was 'talking' to a friend from the internets this past evening. I had a flash memory from when I was five or six. It wasn't useful then, but can make sense now......

Very much sense....

So ok, I'm a nut job... have the records to prove it.. some things can worry me to the point where I get unbearable. And angry, and for outsiders, seemingly unjust in my opinions... Sooooo.... I was going ON about American guys, and cars, and all that jazz... He has offered to help me with a big problem I was having. The guy is so cool, but straight. I would marry him in a Vermont minute if he weren't, as I kidded him. It was a joke, but only barely a joke. And I set up this 'meme' about how I don't like THEM being more progressive than my roots and the New Hampshirites. It's sort of like teasing your little brother, ok? Nothing more. He works a farm.

A spectacular, wonderful man.... Of the sort you would never meet otherwise.

And this throw-away line came up, from very deep in my memory... about not being afraid to get mussed up, and cleaning a chicken barn.....

And THEN it hit me full force. My folks were in the middle of a very messy divorce. I never got or heard anything of what they were doing, but the Venerable must have been fully off the charts for distraught. He had to compensate for what my psycho Mom wraught, and worked to exhaustion 'in the mills'. Sound familiar? At the time we are talking about, we were losing the house, because she had used the mortgage money to do what SHE wanted.

So he was scrambling as fast as he could go. And I guess that my grandparents weren't all too enthusiastic about taking in two rambunctious little boys, it must have been horrible for the V.

That is just background, haven't thought about this in years and decades. And a couple of times, my brother and I got farmed out, don't remember much about it.... baby-sitters for a day.

But one thing I DO remember... a couple, gawwd, were they creepy. They had a 'fahm' up the hill. And being real New Hampsha, you didn't just take two confused kids in for the day, you put them to some 'useful' work. Like cleaning their chicken barn. It wasn't a coop, it was a barn of sorts, it was very big. From the view of a five-year-old, pint-sized kid..... I do not think it had been cleaned in years, looking back. I was up to my knees in chicken poop.

They tried to make it a game for me. I got me a pitch-fork, a shovel, a wheelbarrow, and I shoveled shit half that day. It was sort of horrific.

Today, am surprised the smell alone didn't kill me. Never liked thinking about it. All I knew was, I was keeping my little brother safe from all that, and it kept me going. So I finished it, did a good job, as far as I know, and got some sort of thin soup that I no longer had appetite for.

I fell ill from that. Can't account for it to this day... I can 'guess' that it was ammonia in the waste, because that smell turns on my barf button, ok? To this day.

I was very ill, my father had to call in the doctor the second day. Which must have been an imposition and an added burden on what was going on with him.... Hell, all I felt was that we were a burden on him at the time, in any sense, and he never sent us there again.

So yeah, what the hell does this have to do with dispersants in the Gulf, huh?

I keep seeing more and more reports on my internets. People becoming ill, but of COURSE the spill won't be to blame. The Bad Product people won't allow clean-up workers to wear respirators to protect themselves, and they are getting sick. I assume that that crap has gotten into the air in the hot, humid atmosphere of Louisiana, and I 'assume' little kids are going to fall ill.... Someone should start keeping track of how many of THEM are going to be orphaned.

And OH yeah, I am the Grinch here, or Cassandra, OR Pandora, am ranting about NOTHING if you listen to corporations.

You are listening to the wrong people, people. This will not just go away, you know, people tend toward optimism. They get blind as I am without glasses.

So yeah, it took cleaning out a verdreckte chicken barn to make me realise how dangerous this is. So just go figure.... because THIS OLDIE would rather smell ammonia and die than what people there are having to breathe.

And YES, that is hyperbolic, and YES it is not going to be rational to what you are thinking, but it is MY truth, based on what I learned many years ago.

Hardly anyone seems to be paying attention.

But you WILL see...when it is too late. DO something! Are we 'clear' on this issue? Or do I have to go over there and throw so much chicken poop on you, you will get sick? I am not even sure that would do much at this point.

And yes, I am angry, in case you didn't notice... As my blessed mother used to say, 'I told you and told you. Did you listen? No.' So I've been telling you and teling you. Listen, for once, for cripes sakes!

This catastrophe is major.

No time to just look away... and pretend nothing is happening.

Found it hard to believe during the first reports on Sunday

That one of my all-time favourite books was celebrating the fiftieth anniversary of its' first publication. An older cousin of mine set it on the table, and said, 'you HAVE to read this.' She knew that I was a book fiend, had one wherever I went. And so I must have been twelve or thirteen years old, as it was paperback.

This novel just rocked my little world. I think it will go down in history as one of the greatest American masterpieces ever written to date. And am not being hyperbolic when I say that. At the beginning, there was so much I found hilarious, I literally laughed tears.

And it got darker, even though some things made me smile back then, for humorous. Doesn't have a happy end, the end was tragic, and the real ending was a surprise.

It was set in the South in the 30's, and has to be one of the most perfect novels I have ever read, the style is exqusite. The themes are so many, and so perfectly woven, it is sort of half a miracle.

It won the Puliter prize at a time when it was still prestigious, and not a lot of in-group glad-handing as it can be today in that category.

So you have probably guessed it by now. 'To Kill A Mockingbird', by Harper Lee. As a young kid, I found it thrilling and funny and perceptive. Later, in my adult years, have read it three times in different decades of my life, and it always blew me away. It is a book everyone should have, to return to and find the most important underlying message, having respect for everyone's humanity.

And yeah, everyone's dissected it to death, it is a very complex piece of work, and a masterpiece.

And it turns out that the strange little kid Dill was actually Truman Capote, and in reality, he spent summers in her town, and they were friends for a long time.

The film came out in my region in the summer of 64, and we saw it at a drive-in. Have seen it elsewhere many times, and it is classic. By then I had known the novel inside-out, was somewhat disappointed when my favourite scenes weren' t there due to the time limits imposed on how long a film could be, but the essentials were. And they were great.

So.... to celebrate... here is the vocal from the defense by Atticus Finch with just still pictures from the electrifying trial scene. It wasn't the real end, but it was emotionally wrenching, and the script stayed almost letter perfect to the novel.

And I find it upsetting that today, there are the most crazy Repubs I ever heard in my life wishing to turn the clock back. So just LISTEN. Gregory Peck DESERVED that Oscar. And there was no moralising in the book or the film, actually. The message was clear. Enjoy.

OK If I get silent over the next days....

it will only mean I will be in hospital again...... of a different sort.

Of the normal kind.

So noooo... haven't done anything stupid. And nooooo, I didn't eat anything that had spoiled. In the heat we are having, I can't even stand the smell of food, let alone eat. Have taken my meds as prescribed like a good boy.

But something really isn't right. Woke up with lots of pain. Don't wanna get into it.

But if I go quiet, will be in the hospital, and that is all you need to know.

Sometimes it takes years....... and you realise something was doing really different...

and it was SO on edge, and made you very uncomfortable. Feel like shit fried on the tarmac since yesterday, and just distracting myself over at YouTube. Looking at a lot of very old things, Dean Martin roasts in Las Vegas, among them Betty White, those will become legendary, but there were too many sexist things, homophobic things people 'thought' were funny, they were way on the edge. And about color. There was stuff in there a bout 'Roots' which was legendary here, and someone, I think it was Milton Berle said, 'oh they are gonna show it Africa. But they will run it backwards so it has a happy ending.' That is 'edge', pushing the envelope too far. For the time...

When I SEE that, good gawwd people were that naive...... But they pushed envelopes for that time. The Seventies. But they were moving forward to try to be postitive.... make things better. And then it got lost in greed.

Most of the names won't ring a bell with younger people today. For me it was relevatory, but it was interesting......, and then I found the following clip. I was very young, confused, and all of a sudden there was this clip. Flip Wilson.

I found his show very funny. EXCEPT... I hated him, HATED him when he slipped into his Geralinde character.

I don't think that ANYONE at that time really GOT what he did. That envelope went WAY over the desk.

This hot assed black chick with a friend named 'Killer' I so remember. That is pushing the envelope off the desk, and I saw it today with different eyes. He had a precedent... Milton Berle.

Probably, hardly anyone will remember his show on tee-vee. I didn't like him at the time. He would get in drag, come out smoking a cigar, and be outrageous. We are going a lonnng way back here, the beginning of television and there were only a coulple of channels, and THEY could be fuzzy.

And I hated him too.

So lets get off the track here. If you look back... there were some courageous people who were 'funny', but the intention wasn't 'fun'. It wasn't ABOUT some stupid skit, it was subliminal. Giving you a message.

Except: they weren't thinking about kids who were so frightened about who they are, they made them think is was the only alternative.

For them, they had no grasp on the subject... and certainly never meant to hurt anyone with it...

I hardly think they realised that with what they were doing with the trangender 'schtick' could mess some poor kids' and up and make them afraid. Ecept they did.

For those who did want to be transgender, they were supportive. It was the 50's to 70's.

For a confused kid in the boonies... well they didn't DO that.

This kid thought he had only two alternatives, 'pretend', or go off the charts wild and rebel so badly you end up in hospital. So you conform, y'know? Hard work.

I am just trying to say here..media influences you immensely, ok? But looking back at this, I finally understood what he was doing. But never had anything to to with me.

and today, I learned to look at it from a different perspective. Unca Miltie as well.

I doubt that they knew what they did for transgenger people...

Don't yell or hit, it was the times. 'Geraldine' and Joe Namath. The latter was a famous football player in Bawston. 'She' was outrageous.

l i LOVED SEEING HOW UNCOMFORTABLE HE FELT.

Because it was something I knew.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-355kMZxUN4&feature=related

Now I feel a bit better....

I called in some vitamin C, got called an 'obtuse boy' today, and the truth can hurt, but it was correct enough. I keep trying to think going around four corners, taking the off exit instead of the on ramp sometimes....ignore the solution that is obvious, and land myself in trouble.

Actually, with vitamin C, I mean 'connections'. Actually, it is vitamin B in German. For Beziehungen, which means connections. So, am I being linear here? I called in a favour. A very big one. It's half-way elegant. I don't get directly involved in all this shit, he doesn't get directly involved, and maybe the problem gets solved.

We have a saying that a mill-stone just fell off your chest. Which means a burden is gone. That just happened....

Listen... I HATE imposing on a friend. I would rather eat dirt and die than do that. But sometimes.... if there is some way you can set wheels in motion and no one gets hurt except the perps, that's worth it.

And that is a relief.... I will not go into it here. But am relieved. Something will come of it, am sure. And then I won''t be 'the crazy one' any more, which would be nice.... Now all I can do is hope.

I have great confidence in my friend's abilities. It will be ok... am sure of it. So obvious....

and better than running around arse over tea-kettle and getting in more trouble, believe me...

Ok, this is getting crazy, and I do not mean me.....

The State Dept. in Va was in my blog again.

YEAH, youse guys.

Wasn't 19 hours enough in there to convince you I can be critical in my opinions, but am not a terrorist, that I LIKE things about America, but can really get angry when I think ill decisions are made?

I had ENOUGH of being messed with and having even my right of free speech taken away for a week, and it didn't make me happy, on the contrary.

My right of free speech and freedom of opinion got stolen, I ended up being basically kidnapped and all my 'freedoms' robbed.

And this is the funny part, youse guys. I just don't give a flying F about what YOU think.

I just got the substantiatian that the g0vernment is pretty evil and corrupt.

And you know WHAT really jerks my chain? It s always the poor and lower middle class who end up suffering for the uppers 'hi-jinks' So I am going to be polite here. Please get out of my life, and leave me the hell alone.

Was that ok for you? It is a polite but very firm request.

Just when I thunk....

that peace and quiet would return into our lives.... I just had to go to Gamlitz today, because, Preciousses, it's Friday, and I want routine. Is that so big a thing to ask or wish for? It started as the trip from Hell. Today was the last school day for the children in our state. (I know that seems late, but they are on vac till well into September....) Not having had children, I never paid much attention. I just wanted to make sure my bus connection was going to run, because the kids got off early.

The train was packed, there were very pretty nubile teens, girls, I mean, and I got stuck having to listen to this DITZ going on and on, this is 'gay' that is 'gay', he or she is 'gay', I found it bloody insulting, and I've read that kids in the US do that as well, but was astounded that she actually didn't know what in the world she was TALKING about. Has to be 'cool', I guess, but it was difficult to have to listen to that ignorant little vixen.

And I kept praying, 'make her get off at the next stop, please, whomever...' But no, I had to listen to this crap all the way to Ehrenhausen, which encompasses forty unbearable minutes. I have no idea whatsoever how I was able to keep my mouf shut. I guess I have some sort of self-restraint left. But I should have known the day would only get worse.

But my chauffeur, aka bus driver regaled me with reports that David Hasselhof is in the area, and he was thrilled, I tell you, thrilled. And he so wanted to see this 'two meter' man in person, and didn't I think he has a wonderful voice. Hoo boy.... I don't know how many times I had to bite my toungue and stifle it today, I really do not.

Most Americans do not know this, but he is a super-star in our part of the world, am so not joking. I was not about to step on their star-worship or be insulting regarding what they think. I still haven't figured out Brittney Spears, so go figure. And if I remember correctly, my friend N got a trip to Prague as a sort of Tupperware prize, and saw him in Prague. And I inwardly rolled my eyes, thought what I thought, and kept my mouf shut. So, ok, he is one very big deal here.

And this guy went ON about how he would watch Knight Rider as a CHILD, and wanted to know what the title actually meant. I was spitting fire inside. Thinking, 'I am being so polite here, and now you are making me feel ancient? Please give me a break.'

But no, I was polite, and revealed that back then, I only had a small black and white tee-vee, and Peter would come to lunch, and the first thing was, 'Let's watch Knight Rider.' Which was irritating enough, although I didn't mention that part. And there was KITT, the talking car, I'm not even going to tell you NOW what I would think, but I will give you a hint, I lurved me some Goliath, the big bad truck.

So, you see where I am going with this? First the train with the snotty kids, then nearly ten minutes with a dyed-in-the-wool David Hasselhof fan... I knew right then, 'this day is going nowhere fast.....' So I finally got to Gamlitz, and since Monday went well, I was expecting peace and quiet.

Ya think. Juliana, the assistant director caught me in the hall, and asked, 'May I please have a word with you?' Cripes I hate that, because I KNOW, something unpleasant is in the making....

However, being polite can get you way more than 'Oh, WTF is wrong NOW?' Which was so what I was thinking.

Since Aunt Charlotte was here, Peter is absolutely terrorising the personnel, and he's really hostile to the people from Slovenia across the border, it borders on very inacceptable behaviour. And he has been telling everyone who will listen that he is gonna move out, and he will be in Wiesbaden, and his aunt will pay for it.

I don't have a poker face. Was so shocked I nearly lost my composure. And SHE was totally concerned and wanted to convince me they haven't been abusive to him. I just sank inside. As in 'elevator down, empire state building'.

And I said, 'Please STOP right there, I don't need to hear that, I KNOW that you are doing everything you can. I spent HOURS with his aunt and family, and I can tell you right here and now: they have nothing of the sort planned, and Charlotte wouldn't ever pay for his care, this is going purely in the direction of dementia. And I am so sorryI know how he can get, but he didn't used to be like that. And this is so painful to hear. But none of what he is saying is true, I would know otherwise. You met his aunt Monday, and she and her family can be critical, but they NEVER lie to anyone. They were pleased with all the standards you have, and they had a lot of questions, like the 'what-ifs', and I told them how it all works. And they were very satisfied that he is being well taken care of.

Otherwise it would have been my behind on the griddle, believe me.

Obviously his behaviour is totally unacceptable, and I am so sorry, I know how he can get.'

And she said, 'It's not YOUR fault.' And I said, 'No, it isn't, but I am going to try to stop this right now.' I used a term that won't make any sense, but is dialect, literally means 'I am going to set his calves straight' aka, set him in the right direction. She invited me for a corfee downstairs.

And then it began. The afternoon turned sorta into 'Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolfe'. Except I don't know who was Martha, and who was George, things get interchangeable, you know? And nota bene... I was reckoning back on the train home, and realised we have been in a relationship for 41 years. And in all that time, we have never really fought. We had heated disagreements sometimes, but we didn't ever really fight.

Well it was hot and humid today, and I heard what I didn't want to hear, because I just can NOT take another change to suit his deranged ideas, and I burst into the room, and yelled, 'What the Fuck Hell have you been DOING?' He denied everything, everyone is lying, and that isn't true, and I was one po'd SOB. And I spent a good quarter of an hour giving him the worst dressing down he has ever been on the receiving end from me.

I was outraged. And what was the end of round one? 'You don't support me, you believe people's lies, and quasi, am such a poor person.' That did it for the time being. Because I was very close to being violent. And I said, 'Y'know what? I am now going downstairs, and SMOKE. And you better think fast, because I don't believe one word of your BS.'

So I elevated downstairs, and asked Juliana if that offer for corfee was still valid, because 'I am SO going to need that right now.'

That cracked her up. And we had a very intensive twenty minute discussion, and not all of it was about Peter. I needed some very serious advice from her. And I explained what has been bothering me for nearly a week now, and she told me what to do. It's sort of dangerous. But it involves someone who... ok...

Y'know... I am never afraid of anyone. Never. People don't scare me. But I know someone whom I find terrifying, venal and I suspect he could be waaay violent. Everything about him is menacing, and he is a predator. Has nothing to do with sexual abuse, which is the worst of all things I could think of, but there are predators of a different sort. As in preying on the weakest people possible who are so helpless, and making them worse for profit. I saw something two days in a row. And was in an absolute impossible position. It was absolutely impossibly bad. And it was... hopeless, in the position I was in. You're in the nut-house, so zero credibility.

Just a note to y'all. If you meet someone for the first time with laser eyes so creepy, and they tell you without even introducing themselves that they do NOT like people talking behind their back as the first thing out of their moufs, you are in trouble. I put on my 'brave' face, and said, 'Mister, if I have something to say or complain about, I shove it right in their face, and tell them. Personally. And just leave me alone.'

So I can't just leave it and pretend that anything is hunky-dory. This has been weighing on me very heavily, since I saw it. I got good advice, and will follow it. Gawwd...

Sooooo... ok, was ready for round two. I hit him. Yeah, I actually slapped him in the face, bitch slap, so at that moment I was Martha. It shocked him. I have never hit him, but I don't NEED his BS at the moment. Now, THAT was inacceptable behaviour on my part, but I have NEVER been so furious with him. And it was inexcusable, but if someone pushes my buttons hard enough, I react oddly. Was ashamed of myself. I won't bore anyone with details of act two. I was just hurricane Ren. Gawwd, my bio-Mom's genes come to the fore when I least expect it.

Act three was interesting... I wheeled him down the street to a café for ice cream and by that time I ordered a beer, because my nerves were just frazzled. I never drink beer, ever. For over a decade now. I actually didn't like it, I just needed to calm down. And that is poor people's valium. I lit into him. Verbally. I said, 'Peter, I DO NOT get this. YOU want respect, but are running people down who work SO hard, and then you complain? I don't recognise you any more, you are so mean to the Slovenians who work there, (it's just across the border ten minutes away...) and they work really hard, and for less than an Austrian would demand. I have NOT seen one single thing that would lead me to believe that they are treating you badly. You have to show some respect, dammit. And y'know.... I don't recognise you any more, and you are going ON about them, they stole your mother's house forty years ago, or FIFTY? Where the fuck is your head. Serbians stole everything you had, and you lost YOUR house, and I lost the roof over my head, but I NEVER hear you going ON about THEM.'

'That was different.'

'Ach, REALLY? How so?, it was a few years ago not bloody decades! Please explain the difference, because I can't follow your convoluted way of thinking. I just can't. And if YOU think I am going to put up with another move... I'm done. I can't DO it, Peter, I can't. So make up what is left of your mind, ok? Let me know.'

As above, we have never fought, ever.

And a lot of people think I'm the candy with the soft center.

Everything in our lives have limits. Today, I hit mine. I'm a lover, not a fighter, and I disgusted myself, but I KNOW... there are times you have to be SO hard... it hurts. And it hurts very badly. It is inside me, but I never like opening that cage and let whatever is in there out.

I never write about this stuff as a rule.... today am angry, and vulnerable, and oh...

This is the best: I was home hardly a half-hour, and Peter called. 'I thought about what you said. I will try to do better. I'm sorry, and thank you for being here today.'

Uh-HUH. Thank whomever for small miracles.

Why is it that when I go there, I end up with a massive post, huh? Must be lack of input during the week and then I get a flood of it, I don't know.... I have so many things to decide at the moment.

How odd.

This is 'fun'... not... Actually it is just 'rich'--...

After two days of bumping into things and just 'guessing' about what I was typing, I went out for help this morning. 'Give me the strongest and least expensive pair of glasses you have so I can find my real pair', please. So yay, I can read again!!! I can even see things, and people don't look like blurred pod people. It put me back €9.90, which is a good thing for making the simple mistake of not taking them off and leaving them on the computer, as usual.

However, I've been looking... And I still can't find my €550.00 pair. Did they grow legs in the night, and run away? Am baffled.

Now I can re-watch Rachel Maddow from the last two days live in Afghanistan, and see what she was up to, as well as hear. I know I go ON about her, but her reporting was some of the best I've seen from that part of the world. She really seems to outdo herself constantly. It was cogent, comprehensive, very interesting and thought provoking, and she even looks good in kevlar and a helmet. She must be very tall, because she makes Richard Engel look like a dwarf. And he is one very brave reporter, I would say.

She seriously shocked him in Kabul on yesterday's segment. He was showing her all these semi-precious stones and jewelry, and seemed ready to see her buy something. Lapis, emeralds, rubies, stuff like that. And he went speechless when she did finally buy something. Because he wasn't expecting what she picked.

I don't want to give that away, but it was very funny, while the rest was straight reporting.

If you missed it, those two segments are well worth seeing. They are on the internets... here.

SUV's

I have always been against gas guzzlers.

Yesterday I was IN one for the first time.

I think it was a Fiat. Oh, comfortable. And amazing technology. I haven't been 'driven' in years. It was overwhelming.

I still don't like them, but this one had one feature that was actually 'cool'. You get a peep tone if you are going over the speed limit. Now, that... I liked. The first time I 'thought' that was what it was, but you know gadgets....

If you buy a computer, you use a third of the possibilities. Renting such a car, with so many 'things' to figure out is just another horror.

Renate figured it out as well, and egged him on, 'go faster!' Just to see if it would beep. It did.

I don't like that. Am used to public transportation, and am gettin OLD.

So they have this security thing that tells you you are driving over the speed limit.

Uh-huh.

I thought it was a cool solution to a problem.

Except.... it is like drinking. You ignore everything and don't stop.

That was the part I did not like....

The best laid plans of mice and men, and all that baloney...

I missed the par-tay, yesterday. What a day to become totally ill on. Oh I tried to pull myself together, but it just got worse and worse, hey, looked like vomited out apple sauce, as they say here, it began around ten a.m. Had the worst asthma attack than I can remember having in over a year. It was disgustingly hot, very humid. I ran a high fever, had to get up in the middle of the night and had to change the bed, it was soaked. By twelve, had gotten myself into some sort of semblance of presentability, but my feet were so swollen I couldn't get into my good shoes. And that is when I had to give it up. And besides, it was HER day, and I'd have just been sort of on display, and running d0wnstairs to vomit every half hour. My hand where the intubation was, hurts like hell. And it's red and raised, and they practically ripped it off me at hospital. I think it was an infection.

By this morning the worst had passed, but I wasn't feeling all too chipper. And Tante Lotte asked, 'Where were you? What happened?' She'd saved the chair to her right for me, which really made me feel like shit. That's just RenB, spreading disappointment wherever he goes, it seems....

Whatever, Charlotte was hell-bent on visiting Peter today, so I called, and it had been raining most of the night. And I was cursing a blue streak. 'Give me a BREAK, you damned Joker In The SKY...' Sort of... And she told me to be at the hotel at quarter past ten, five times as if I were an idjit child. The photo above is more for Peter. I got there, and his great nephew was about to leav e. He is Barbara and Walter's son. The pretty young lady is his girlfriend. I saw them when they were checking in, and when I got there they were just checking out, so it was 'hello, nice to have a face to fit the name I keep hearing,' And 'have a good flight.'

So we got off on the wrong road because Walter had other directions, and landed on the Autobahn, which is about as picturesque as any anywhere else. So ok, the first part wasn't what I was thinking of, and I was nervous because I never drive, never have, and depend on public transportation. However, when I saw the turn-off for Wildon, I told him to bang a right. And we were on the road I wanted them to see, and it is the most picturesque from there anyway.

Charlotte had learned about Wildon in grade school, but couldn't remember why it was so important. And I ssid, 'Well, I don't know either, but have always found it very pretty'.

And so we got to Ehrenhausen, and I asked for a stop because I wanted Lotte to see the church there. Walter was a bit put out, he doesn't like 'surprises', or not keeping to his 'schedule'.

Well listen, Preciousses, I have been there every week since March, and the church is ALWAYS open. And yup, you guessed it, it was locked up today. Maybe they were having sacrificial rituals inside, what the hell do I know....
There were enough historical points to point out, but I was seething with disappointment. Egg on my face? Oh, just bring it on, hey.

Whatever it was only another eight minutes to Gamlitz, we got to the house, and the assistant director went all ga-ga, and when we got on the elevator, the director 'hisself' came flying out of the office to greet everyone, and it was a free-for-all in cordiality. We greeted him in his room, and there was some discomfort, because it is fine for two people, but not enough seating room for six. But Tante Lotte wanted to take him out for lunch anyway. She has a bit of trouble walking far. And the restaurant we had in mind .... is closed for summer vacation till July seventeenth. Which only left the mayor's place downtown. Renate was resourceful, as ever, and 'organised' a wheelchair so we had a brigade march downtown.

At the mayor's place. That is Barbara's husband on the left. I was sort of confused, because the entire way, he was so 'intimate' talking with Renate all the time, I thought I got things mixed up. I don't even want to GO there in what I thought. We got into a nice discussion on the way back about natural history, and history in general, and how important it is to know the meaning of where you are in space and time. He agreed fully, and we both think that you have to look at things from different perspectives, and there is no real TRUTH to anything. It was a pleasant discussion to have racing back on the Autobahn so he would make his plane in time. Even tho I wasn't at my best, I did crack him up a couple of times. My best was when we drove past a vetinarian place that takes care of 'small animals', and I said, 'Hmm, small animals... does that mean they do brain surgery on ants?' Was just being whimsical....

And here was the fambly, Peter and Renate discussing politics. I told her she always reminds me of Jill Clayburgh. She didn't know what I meant. And said, 'I'm not an actress'.... And I said 'no, but you could double for her in whatever film she does next.' There was a lot of discussion, and I mostly stayed out of it. I don't DO German politics, and mostly ignore them. And the World Cup, oh gawwd..... Renate said she likes the trainer of the German team, and he is 'so handsome'. He is. And I opend my mouf, and said, 'Oh yeah, I get it, the eyes. He has to be a water sign. Probably cancer.' Barbara nearly choked on her mineral water. We had a very nice lunch, and 'the girls' eat like birds. Tante Lotte told Peter he had a loose thread on his shirt, and tried to remove it. It was a very long white chest hair. Hilarity ensued. And Barbara said, 'Keep this in your mind and heart when your feel down.'

Dinner was near an end, we went back to the nursing home, and it was then that Peter lost it. He cried. He yells and screams, and utters dire threats sometimes, but he knew this good-bye would be final. He called an hour and a half later, and was still crying.
Gawwd... Sometimes I feel so sadistic without wanting to be. He said he didn't WANT a visit. But you know what? There is still that bond, and I have seen them often together, there's chemistry there. It was so important for her to see where he is, and see that he is well taken care of. He's her only nephew, and that isn't sexist, but a boy in the family to carry on the name was very important. I've sort of heard that one before.... It didn't give me the impetus to propagate.

From what I can gather, they were sort of horrified when we drove up, and they said so later... to the staff. But after seeing the inside, they were pleased. Outside looks like a bunker. The first time I saw it, I said, oh. my. Gawwd.... I didn't say anything to them beforehand, I wanted to see their reaction. Once inside, it's a different world, hey. And they were calmed by what they saw. Tante Lotte seemed really taken with the assistant director, Frau Lübbe. And said, 'You take good care of my nephew.'

Oh manomanoman... I nearly lost it for the second time that day.

So yeah, it was 'schön', beautiful. But it took me to the 'borders of what I can take', as they say.

Nothing went as I thought it would and planned. And that is life as well. As it was, I'm glad I got through most of the 'programme' as it was, and the weather turned nice, but hot and humid, and I am SOOO glad I had my pump with me to prevent an asthma attack. I never use them otherwise, I hate meds.

I'd like to bitch slap the people who produce those and then find the sickness to fit the product. It is disgusting.

Whatever.... it is done with, and I did the very best I could do.

And having to have been the co-pilot where I have never driven, and being on a time schedule was fucking nerve-wracking. But I achieved that as well....

So how was YOUR day...

Just had a long visit in a hotel lobby....

Aunt Charlotte was resting upstairs when I got there. The weather is horrible, and I said, 'That's ok, let her get her rest. ' Gave Barbara the stuff I brought, and she took it upstairs. Barbara is on the left, her sister Renate on the right. I would have been happy enough just to see them. It was not good weather for a soon to be nonagenarian, believe me, and I thought 'ok, will see her tomorrow...' I was so happy to see her 'girls'. I asked them if I could take their picture and warned them it would be on the blog... Whereupon they laughed. Well, it isn't as if it would get me put in lock-down again. It's a nice picture. And yes, they heard the whole sad story beforehand.

As soon as Tante Lotte heard I was there, she came down. Looking a bit frail, but hardly changed. And beautiful as ever. She nudged me, and said, 'my e-mail buddy'. Oh those eyes.... Peter.






I am NOT fotogenic, and never post anything of myself on this blog, but I was happy. And then I look stupid. But she is stunning. So this is going to be the only picture you will see of me on this blog. Because I WAS happy.




Tomorrow is the big day. I saw some of the grandchildren checking in. Great genes. Tomorrow is going to be special.

I had some long talks with her daughters after she retired to her room, and found out some amazing things. Aunt Charlotte can ask a lot of questions, and I answer them freely, and she never 'bats an eye'.... but she doesn't tell any one else either. I think we had two very good discussions, and I asked for advice, and got good advice from both of them.

I can't call them 'fambly', but believe me, it is a long road from being regarded as 'suspicious', to being 'accepted'.

Tomorrow is Charlotte's day. And it will be all about her. (Although I've been told this is all about me... I think I worry enough about other people than being so egocentric. Walk a mile in my shoes, hey, and I guarantee you won't like it.)

Peter was on the horn... the weather is making him miserable. And he was in one of his rants... doesn't want company, whining and weasling, I would have smacked him one on the shoulder if I had been in the room.

Instead, I resorted to my ultimate weapon. (Herrgott noch mal, the meds are making me senile...) If you don't behave yourself on Monday, I will NOT visit you for AT LEAST three weeks. IS THAT CLEAR? Your Aunt will never be able to come here again, ever, and she loves you, so you better be on your best behaviour. Because if you do ANYTHING untoward, you are going to pay for it dearly, do you understand me? You WILL be polite, you WILL be kind, or I will not come to see you. Have you GOT that?'

(Tiny voice) ok, I promise...

Gawwd. And y'all wonder why I get depressed to near the breaking point?

But oh no, it's all about ME, of course.

Yup... I can go hippity-hoppity all around the place and find posiive things no one else finds. I'm good at that.

How did I get on this topic? They are here, they make me very happy, and I like them muchly.

Tomorrow is the birfday party. Monday we go to Gamlitz.

But now you have seen 'the matriach', and her 'girls'.

It was good.

Oh, party!

I have a date! At three-thrity this afternoon. I get to see Tante Lotte for the first time in two years. And I did 'what is not to be done' again, because you only give roses this color to your love or your wife. Well, she has to be my love, because without her visit, I'd be in a fine kettle of fish. Millie gasped, she is the expert on what color or flower to give. I know this sounds weird, but there is a whole color etiquette here, and what to give whom how. It is etiquette. Peter called and I asked him about it. He said three would be insulting, and five a compliment, and you never give an even number, the latter which I knew....
If I had had the money, I would have bought up all these balloons, and had them thrown out in the air off the balcony for her.

Yeah, can be sentimental like that. Have to go wrap her gift. Later.....

Well, you get some get some goodies in the bag if you take something home...

How fun. I had to get out my evening pills, and he doctor's brief was in there.... oh, this is fun:

Alcoholkrank. Anaemia. had since child, try to eat raw liver every week twice...hardly done. What is benighn hypertonie? I'm fucking nervous, alwas have been. The first time I slept with a man he whought I was an Espe in the wind. It is how I Am.
Ok, my had. My bases arteries show scleriousis. Wine spreads, but no bleeding. The base is free.

What am I supposed to do abought this?

None of it sounds encouragaing.


Am tired this evening. Those pills are evil. But don't have to have faucet in my hand and they drive up with a sunoco station and link me to the diesel pipe-

Have fun

Part Three

So.... first an apology. I began writing about 'the' tabu' thema when in a perfect hole in the universe without light. And since I had experiences where people never learned the reason, I was imagining and nearly ready for the other, to say good bye. And I am very sorry to have coducted that experiment, he latter which I really MIGHT have done, not seeing something I could constructively do any more. So forgive me for that.

And to you ornery, stubborn, smart and lovely,impossibly darnation devils in this world What age level were we at, six? 'She wanted to do it, I tolds her to!' WE are gonna HAVE a first grade meeting, here, ok? If somone goes 'missing' in another country that you are aware of: You DO NOT call the US STATE Department. You call the embassy where the person is a resident of. They will be more apt to know, dears.....

As it was, I had a captain across the square wiping ink all over his forehead, and if he'd been Irish he'd havebeen yelling 'Holy Mother of God!' and genuflecting or something.

Just having those papers from the State Department sent them into lock-down mode, ok? Don't Do that again.

Pleaaassse.

To everyone else, it was good they did. Being there made me realise a lot of things, and I am very sorry to have caused so much hurt and worry.

Oh, as to getting out messages. Peter caled Elke, she visited me in lock up, I showed her how to do a comment, and contact Annt, and Jake let me use the internet thing on his cell phone. Nothing is safe, he says... Never. Although I nearly got caught doing one and some woman asked me what I was doing at his night stand. I nearly said, 'Looking for condoms', but he said he allowed me to.

To end.... I apologise profrusely to everyone I hurt, and love you all.

And that is the distillated reader's digest version. ......

Part Two,

A new light, another day. The guy I was about to name the Feldmarshall was awake first, and told me not to look at him so insolently. (Oh wow....) Basic bully, insulting, you just wanted to make a huge circle around him. Then came Jake in the next bed, tousled blonde hair, handsome, a smile---and two wraps of guaze around his wrists. Only 24, a successful electrician, heart-breaking to look at. I got a couple of smiles out of him before breakfast, we were incorigible smokers before and after corfee. Tried drawing him out a little.

Then there was my bed and then a Nigerian who was quiet ALL the time unless watching World Cup. But never impolite. Around the corner was Steven. I couldn' find out what in the world was wrong with him, he spoke so oddly sometimes, would acknowlegdge you, then wouldn't. And then there was the lovely Fitz from Mali. Speaks about five languages. I'd come in for a smoke, he'd want to give me his chair. And I would say, 'you keep sitting, Mister, it's Your chair', and he would smile and say thank you. He had schizophrenia, but seems much better, and is well-spoken.

On the third day I got into trouble with the head psychiatrist because I was having a heavy talk and smoke with Jake and he said he had known he should have cut upward but not cut crosswise. And I said, 'Don't you SEE, there is something out there, something positive that you want to do but can't define yet, and that is what is important: to find it. and not mess about like that.' Whereupon the Nurse Ratchett came where she had been listening out in the ward sent me on my merry way.

We did get rid of the Feldmarschall. He had he wc door open, and told me to get out, Jake was following me saying 'What's up' And I said, 'Oh, the diva doesn't want us in there to maybe see his small weenie, I don't know...' Whereupon he shut the door, and first it sounding like laughing, but in the end we agreed he was crying. He was polite the next two days, then left.

And during the whole times, families would visit, and it was interesting to me.... how they ineracted.

Preciousses... they told more stories than I can tell in a lifetime, and I am not going to get myself in hot water any more than I am right now.

Some personnel were strict. Some were exceedingly nice. After a few days I could go on walks on the grounds...attended....and without a belt. I kept 'showing my flag' getting the ball out of the cup... but they WERE boxer shorts, and plaids. (smile) That was a handicapp playing mini golf this morning.

Part Three to follw:

All right, this is how it went down....

Was at one of my lowest points ever, emotionally. Checked the tracker, saw there were State Dept hits from DC and VA... and all of a sudden the consulate in Vienna? John something, and he irritated me do death. And I said, 'Well, this is weird, because I haven't been an American since1986.' You're an American, he replied. Well who decided THAT hey, was what I was thinking.

'Listen, there are people worried about you. Want to talk about it?' I said 'No'... 'If I have a social worker call you from Graz, would you talk to her?' I said, 'I suppose...' Twenty minutes later she was on the phone, and I didn't like her but agreed to see her Tuesday, as it was Friday and I was planning to go to 'Gamlitz on Monday. She said ok, but seemed uncertain.

Twenty minutes after that... all hell broke loose. Three cops at the door, Two with pistols pulled and one with his arms in the air as in 'I give up' in the Westerns? Him I snapped at. 'Put 'em DOWN, I don't have a gun, never will' He seemed shaken: 'You don't know what we go through sometimes.'

That made me smile, it really did. The eldest told me to turn of my pc and put on some pants, we were going across the street 'for a talk'... And the court doctor came in with a print-out of my now-infamous article, and said he was forcing me into a full closed facility mental hospital.

And I said, 'you can't DO that!' And he said, 'Oh yes, we can. It is our duty to save our citizens's lives, even if they don't think so at the time. So let's get on with it, shall we? And before I knew it I was in an ambulance, twenty minutes later I had an 'expert' I disliked immensely, and was shuttled up to my new 'home'. Looks like a dorm room, but fences on the bars, you can't just go in and out. EVER. It has six beds... They are ok... And a long table and cabinet with a tee-vee.

And then the strip stuff began. Hand over your keys, and paßport, hand over your wallet, hand over your belt. Do you have cigarettes? We lock them up here, and TELL you when you can smoke them. No lighters. And the bathroom is locked at night; the tub is too deep. Then it was time for bed-snack, and we were allowed a cigarette in the bathroom, and could watch World Cup Soccer, or go to sleep, or try to, although the handfuls of pills worked.

That was the first evening and have never been so disoriented. No one was mean or anything, I just kept to myself.

Part Two upstairs.