Just when I thunk....

that peace and quiet would return into our lives.... I just had to go to Gamlitz today, because, Preciousses, it's Friday, and I want routine. Is that so big a thing to ask or wish for? It started as the trip from Hell. Today was the last school day for the children in our state. (I know that seems late, but they are on vac till well into September....) Not having had children, I never paid much attention. I just wanted to make sure my bus connection was going to run, because the kids got off early.

The train was packed, there were very pretty nubile teens, girls, I mean, and I got stuck having to listen to this DITZ going on and on, this is 'gay' that is 'gay', he or she is 'gay', I found it bloody insulting, and I've read that kids in the US do that as well, but was astounded that she actually didn't know what in the world she was TALKING about. Has to be 'cool', I guess, but it was difficult to have to listen to that ignorant little vixen.

And I kept praying, 'make her get off at the next stop, please, whomever...' But no, I had to listen to this crap all the way to Ehrenhausen, which encompasses forty unbearable minutes. I have no idea whatsoever how I was able to keep my mouf shut. I guess I have some sort of self-restraint left. But I should have known the day would only get worse.

But my chauffeur, aka bus driver regaled me with reports that David Hasselhof is in the area, and he was thrilled, I tell you, thrilled. And he so wanted to see this 'two meter' man in person, and didn't I think he has a wonderful voice. Hoo boy.... I don't know how many times I had to bite my toungue and stifle it today, I really do not.

Most Americans do not know this, but he is a super-star in our part of the world, am so not joking. I was not about to step on their star-worship or be insulting regarding what they think. I still haven't figured out Brittney Spears, so go figure. And if I remember correctly, my friend N got a trip to Prague as a sort of Tupperware prize, and saw him in Prague. And I inwardly rolled my eyes, thought what I thought, and kept my mouf shut. So, ok, he is one very big deal here.

And this guy went ON about how he would watch Knight Rider as a CHILD, and wanted to know what the title actually meant. I was spitting fire inside. Thinking, 'I am being so polite here, and now you are making me feel ancient? Please give me a break.'

But no, I was polite, and revealed that back then, I only had a small black and white tee-vee, and Peter would come to lunch, and the first thing was, 'Let's watch Knight Rider.' Which was irritating enough, although I didn't mention that part. And there was KITT, the talking car, I'm not even going to tell you NOW what I would think, but I will give you a hint, I lurved me some Goliath, the big bad truck.

So, you see where I am going with this? First the train with the snotty kids, then nearly ten minutes with a dyed-in-the-wool David Hasselhof fan... I knew right then, 'this day is going nowhere fast.....' So I finally got to Gamlitz, and since Monday went well, I was expecting peace and quiet.

Ya think. Juliana, the assistant director caught me in the hall, and asked, 'May I please have a word with you?' Cripes I hate that, because I KNOW, something unpleasant is in the making....

However, being polite can get you way more than 'Oh, WTF is wrong NOW?' Which was so what I was thinking.

Since Aunt Charlotte was here, Peter is absolutely terrorising the personnel, and he's really hostile to the people from Slovenia across the border, it borders on very inacceptable behaviour. And he has been telling everyone who will listen that he is gonna move out, and he will be in Wiesbaden, and his aunt will pay for it.

I don't have a poker face. Was so shocked I nearly lost my composure. And SHE was totally concerned and wanted to convince me they haven't been abusive to him. I just sank inside. As in 'elevator down, empire state building'.

And I said, 'Please STOP right there, I don't need to hear that, I KNOW that you are doing everything you can. I spent HOURS with his aunt and family, and I can tell you right here and now: they have nothing of the sort planned, and Charlotte wouldn't ever pay for his care, this is going purely in the direction of dementia. And I am so sorryI know how he can get, but he didn't used to be like that. And this is so painful to hear. But none of what he is saying is true, I would know otherwise. You met his aunt Monday, and she and her family can be critical, but they NEVER lie to anyone. They were pleased with all the standards you have, and they had a lot of questions, like the 'what-ifs', and I told them how it all works. And they were very satisfied that he is being well taken care of.

Otherwise it would have been my behind on the griddle, believe me.

Obviously his behaviour is totally unacceptable, and I am so sorry, I know how he can get.'

And she said, 'It's not YOUR fault.' And I said, 'No, it isn't, but I am going to try to stop this right now.' I used a term that won't make any sense, but is dialect, literally means 'I am going to set his calves straight' aka, set him in the right direction. She invited me for a corfee downstairs.

And then it began. The afternoon turned sorta into 'Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolfe'. Except I don't know who was Martha, and who was George, things get interchangeable, you know? And nota bene... I was reckoning back on the train home, and realised we have been in a relationship for 41 years. And in all that time, we have never really fought. We had heated disagreements sometimes, but we didn't ever really fight.

Well it was hot and humid today, and I heard what I didn't want to hear, because I just can NOT take another change to suit his deranged ideas, and I burst into the room, and yelled, 'What the Fuck Hell have you been DOING?' He denied everything, everyone is lying, and that isn't true, and I was one po'd SOB. And I spent a good quarter of an hour giving him the worst dressing down he has ever been on the receiving end from me.

I was outraged. And what was the end of round one? 'You don't support me, you believe people's lies, and quasi, am such a poor person.' That did it for the time being. Because I was very close to being violent. And I said, 'Y'know what? I am now going downstairs, and SMOKE. And you better think fast, because I don't believe one word of your BS.'

So I elevated downstairs, and asked Juliana if that offer for corfee was still valid, because 'I am SO going to need that right now.'

That cracked her up. And we had a very intensive twenty minute discussion, and not all of it was about Peter. I needed some very serious advice from her. And I explained what has been bothering me for nearly a week now, and she told me what to do. It's sort of dangerous. But it involves someone who... ok...

Y'know... I am never afraid of anyone. Never. People don't scare me. But I know someone whom I find terrifying, venal and I suspect he could be waaay violent. Everything about him is menacing, and he is a predator. Has nothing to do with sexual abuse, which is the worst of all things I could think of, but there are predators of a different sort. As in preying on the weakest people possible who are so helpless, and making them worse for profit. I saw something two days in a row. And was in an absolute impossible position. It was absolutely impossibly bad. And it was... hopeless, in the position I was in. You're in the nut-house, so zero credibility.

Just a note to y'all. If you meet someone for the first time with laser eyes so creepy, and they tell you without even introducing themselves that they do NOT like people talking behind their back as the first thing out of their moufs, you are in trouble. I put on my 'brave' face, and said, 'Mister, if I have something to say or complain about, I shove it right in their face, and tell them. Personally. And just leave me alone.'

So I can't just leave it and pretend that anything is hunky-dory. This has been weighing on me very heavily, since I saw it. I got good advice, and will follow it. Gawwd...

Sooooo... ok, was ready for round two. I hit him. Yeah, I actually slapped him in the face, bitch slap, so at that moment I was Martha. It shocked him. I have never hit him, but I don't NEED his BS at the moment. Now, THAT was inacceptable behaviour on my part, but I have NEVER been so furious with him. And it was inexcusable, but if someone pushes my buttons hard enough, I react oddly. Was ashamed of myself. I won't bore anyone with details of act two. I was just hurricane Ren. Gawwd, my bio-Mom's genes come to the fore when I least expect it.

Act three was interesting... I wheeled him down the street to a café for ice cream and by that time I ordered a beer, because my nerves were just frazzled. I never drink beer, ever. For over a decade now. I actually didn't like it, I just needed to calm down. And that is poor people's valium. I lit into him. Verbally. I said, 'Peter, I DO NOT get this. YOU want respect, but are running people down who work SO hard, and then you complain? I don't recognise you any more, you are so mean to the Slovenians who work there, (it's just across the border ten minutes away...) and they work really hard, and for less than an Austrian would demand. I have NOT seen one single thing that would lead me to believe that they are treating you badly. You have to show some respect, dammit. And y'know.... I don't recognise you any more, and you are going ON about them, they stole your mother's house forty years ago, or FIFTY? Where the fuck is your head. Serbians stole everything you had, and you lost YOUR house, and I lost the roof over my head, but I NEVER hear you going ON about THEM.'

'That was different.'

'Ach, REALLY? How so?, it was a few years ago not bloody decades! Please explain the difference, because I can't follow your convoluted way of thinking. I just can't. And if YOU think I am going to put up with another move... I'm done. I can't DO it, Peter, I can't. So make up what is left of your mind, ok? Let me know.'

As above, we have never fought, ever.

And a lot of people think I'm the candy with the soft center.

Everything in our lives have limits. Today, I hit mine. I'm a lover, not a fighter, and I disgusted myself, but I KNOW... there are times you have to be SO hard... it hurts. And it hurts very badly. It is inside me, but I never like opening that cage and let whatever is in there out.

I never write about this stuff as a rule.... today am angry, and vulnerable, and oh...

This is the best: I was home hardly a half-hour, and Peter called. 'I thought about what you said. I will try to do better. I'm sorry, and thank you for being here today.'

Uh-HUH. Thank whomever for small miracles.

Why is it that when I go there, I end up with a massive post, huh? Must be lack of input during the week and then I get a flood of it, I don't know.... I have so many things to decide at the moment.

How odd.