Depression....

Can manifest itself in very various ways... It does.

Today was a maybe in getting out of it. Don't know...

I had vivid nightmares right into dawn. Weird, distressing, sad...

It's like I've been fully lamed for months.

I could place a lot of he elements in my nightmares to things I'd seen on the internet the past few days, a mix of news, and current tee-vee shows on the tubes... but they were basically jumbled and sad.

Whelp, I never go out except for the tobacconist and groceries for months now, and once a week to see Peter, so got really odd and in my own cocoon. And I know that wasn't good.

And got up with a resolution today, as so many days.... and said... 'I'm going to change this finally.'

Sunday sort of 'did it' for me. Peter all panicked.... 'I'm coming to visit, and we're going to go out for coffee at Sacher's, and I will give you money.'

Ouch. Aua.... and I was afraid he would try to get out of the home. It was bad.

So I've been doing things instead of just vegetating this morning.

It's a start.....

I took out the garbage, most of it. And am on my second load of wash, because it just got piled up on the floor in front of it, but even that was an 'effort'....

And opened my snail mail post box for the first time in three months. When I go out, I pretend it isn't there, but there was something in there that I need. Badly.

And it was there, so that was good.

And the odd thing about THAT is... all my running costs get automatically deducted from my account, so it is only occasionallly that something comes in that is extra, and am mostly so strapped... I didn't wanna see any more. Otherwise advertising, or invitations for senior citizen's outings, that I never want to take part in either.

I had trouble getting it all out of the box.... three months' of advertising, and some letters and cards. It weighed a good five pounds to sift through.

But the beginning of October must have been a drop-dead for fainting week if I had opened it... Dire things. A summons to appear at the presidial office of the social services office... for instance, with all the papers I would need. And the Red Cross wants co-pay for my unwilling ambulance transport to the nerve clinic in June. Well, that was all in October....

And my heating company. I'm gonna have to scramble with them, they are becoming threatening through no fault of my own.

Peter cries more and more increasingly, and have to leave the phone off the hook mostly, which pains me.

All in all... it's pitiful when you get so paranoid, you avoid opening your snail-mail box out of pure fear.

So today was a good step. I got a Christmas card, and junk.

Baby steps. Am gonna have to call social services, but not before Wednesday, when I visit Peter.

Oh... THAT will be a Volksfest.... 'Ummm calling about your letter from the first of OCTOBER???' Ewwww....

One step at a time, hey.