Am sorta at a loss at the moment....

Oh, I know, I CAN be brave, and just muddle on through whatever life tends to dish out. But there is 'brave'... and brave, the former just brazening it out.

However... my phone is off the hook again. In order to STOP Peter's calling costs, because once I relent.... he calls.... and calls.... and CALLS till I go bonkers in my head. Because he has nothing to say. He just wants to hear my voice.

The few times I DO leave it on.... ow. ouch. aua!. He firmly believes for instance, that our former first boss (who is 75), comes into his room with the nurse, and interferes in what is prescribed for medicine, and he gets angry, and agitated.

Two days ago I lost it. I can't LISTEN at the moment. It drives me to distraction. So I did something cruel, because I did NOT want to deal with it. And told him I had talked to her, which is true, (after the first time he claimed she had been there). And that she had NEVER been there.

And wow, did he go off on me. I was everything evil, leaving him in the lurch, finally showed how much I never cared... it was fairly comprehensive. Ten minutes later? The phone rang.... and it never happened in his head.

I am so trying to get him to a place in his mind where he feels comfortable, and Aires that he is, he fights me every inch of the way.

I used to like it when it was just some sort of catastrophacal event, like diabetes, or stroke, or his two heart attacks. He was still himself, caustic, interested in everything, and we could talk about gawwd and the wurrld. And laugh so hard about anything we found absurd.

But that person is gone now. And all he remembers is me, it seems. And I don't know if I am up to the task. I do not. I loved and still love him, and am devastated, because the man he was is mostly gone now.

And there is no way I can tell myself, 'we're gonna get through this', or HOPE that things might improve in his condition.... it will never happen any more. Those things kept me going for a very long time, am a pessimistic optimist.... expecting the worst, and hoping for the best. Served me well for a long time.

So yes, this is a personal note. Interrupting normal broadcasting.

I can't GO to Gamlitz again this month. Due to crushing financial circumstances.

So he is gonna try to keep calling, and I get the pits, disenabling my phone. Which is not of consequence... no one calls me anyway except in a full moon.

It feels cruel to do what I am doing. But there has to be a break, here, and he has to get some peace, and I can't BE there. Listening to it per phone is really counter-productive.