I guess it's time to see a psychiatrist....

Was watching a clip from the Today Show... and realised it's about time to do that.

It was about people who are care-givers to loved ones with dementia or Alzheimers.

I haven't been out of the house this month except to cross the street to the tobacconist once a day, and pick up food I can hardly eat. Have laundry to do, but am too apathetic to put it in and start the machine. Won't open my snail-mail post box because I have an irrational fear of what I might find in it. As for instances. Can sleep around the clock, am really good at it.

Depression? Yup, it's gotten out of hand, all right.

However.... the clip showed me... I haven't been doing the right thing all this time.

You are supposed to be calm when you visit, for instance. And accept what is going on. And be soothing, speak in short sentences, and a mess of stuff like that.

And WOW, did I get that wrong. I've had phases where I was so pissed off at him, I went off like Aetna. I was so used to having a bright, intelligent partner, not some child lost in the woods of what is left of his mind.

But when I went off... he'd been agressive, and it was my normal reflex. I do not allow being attacked in any manner.

And letting the comforting silence sort of envelope me this past week or so.... the phone is off hook... gave me time to think. And the clip made me realise... I've been selfish, and so very angry.

Yes, very selfish. Because I feel like someone has stolen my most prized possesion, and I would love to smash things. So I haven't been the good kid on the playground, and wanted to be the bully.

I didn't want to accept anything, facts, rhyme, fiction, I went into denial big time. 'Things will be ok, all will be well, something will STOP this'.

One of the points in that clip was you should not stop visiting, even if they don't recognise you any more. Well, so far, that isn't the case. Thank whomever. But watching him cry, and then suddenly asking if I weren't tired, and would I lie down, just so he could hold me and watch me sleep? Freaked me.

If he were 'there'... oh it broke my heart.

Well, things got worse, as they always do.... and I can only visit once a month. I thought that might be good for us both... but the 'experts' said it isn't. I'd contacted his one close relative, laid out the problem, hoping for the 'fairy godmother'.... and got what I expected. 'YOU will manage...'

Oh yes, always have. But this time? uh-uh. I am not managing, and would like to go screaming off into the wilds and never see anyone ever again.

Isn't that mature.... I feel like a child having the world's worst temper tantrum, because what I fought to get is being taken away from me, and that is really sick. And not what I should be doing.

So I guess it is time to seek some professional help. Not that I hold much store in that, but better than talking to the walls.