There are days....

When you just despair. I am not talking about catastrphic stuff,, or immediate changes to your life, you just lose faith in anything.....

Add to that it is radical, and everything is so BLACK, it sends you straight to the despair place. The horidays send ne to the bottom of this supposed pit. But it is real, and you can really 'go' there... In your mind....

But it is much more because you can't do anything and are helpless.

It has nothing much to do with my daily life. But much to do with the big picture, and the fucking paint is dripping.... And you just want to tear your hair out, and fall apart, because you can't make it right any more, you know?

Gawwd, am I angry at the injustice of it all! Yes, I am fucking angry with the power of ten thousdands suns.

Its' been a bad three days, whaddaya want, hey...

I am going to have to face the fact that I am going to face a major loss, and probably sooner than I would wish.

And it makes me literally sick.

Hope you had happy horridays.... I just cringed. Peter's voice was so weak, and I didn't have the money to get there.... Yeah, all rise and praise whomever....

Well, I am just not good with this stuff. I don't believe in niracles, and yes, Peter is gonna die, and I hope that all will be ok, as far as care is concerned....

And that he doesn't suffer....

Not seeing him every day... he calls and doesn 't know what day it is... his voice has gotten weaker and weaker over the phone.

Everything is fairly well gone. He could be so spectacularly witty and funny, and so special... and now all us gone. Not his fault. It just isn't there any more and he just needs someone to hold him till he goes into his 'good night'.

So this is driving me fucking crazy.

Yeah, someone is gonna say this is bringing the 'drana queen' out in me, but you know what?

I know what I see, and I know what is gonna happen.

And there are some days... I am not good with all of it and would like to go out on one big drunk, but you know what? I don't. Because I would NEVER come back again. Ever. So I just mosey on and have to feel the pain.