oh, Jeebus save us...

my neighgours are moving out. And my hated ',mistress of the house' is holding forth. You can NOT imagine how terrible that woman IS. My door is double locked, and the security bar pulled.....

You do NOT want to know... she is terrible.

The Ed Show...

gave me my 'sermon of the day' I LOVE it when he gets 'fired up'. ('Psycho Talk' is my second favorite, but that is just snark...)

Yesterday he was on about edumacation. In NJ... and busting unions. Well, having grown up in a mill town, I know a LOT about THAT... and I think if Annti sees this clip, she is going to have a conniption fit.

I have always DESPISED the term 'collateral damage'. Always. It's such a careless term, in my opinion.... but the school system provides so much collateral damage, it should cry out to the high heavens.

I 'would' have thought, did think, that things might get better. I went to a school... oh.my.gawwd... the principal had to punch a punk out in the window once a week during recess to assert his authority. Kids came to school with switch-blade knives, and you had to know how to keep away from them. One day, a 'hood' pushed my fifth grade teacher down the stairs and she broke her leg, and I saw it happen. There was a horrible kid whose mother was a professional wrestler, and he was in and out of reform school. He was evil personified.

So it wasn't exactly in a good neighborhood, y'know? Re-read this after you see the clip. I played a round of playing basketball, and it was WONDERFUL. The other teams were so afraid, they shit themselves, because we were 'bad-ass'. So we won. It was nice to win....

But there was one thing the little thugs never did. Half the school was dedicated to teaching kids with 'disabilities'. At the time, they were referred to as 'retarded'. And we all had recess at the same time. And gawwd help anyone who would tease or bother those children. We're talking about grade school here, by the way. The hardest, soon-to-be criminals, the ones who pushed teachers down the stairs, would have KILLED anyone who would be so crass and hurt any of those poor children in word, action or deed. It was sort of their code, you don't hurt people weaker than you are, there is no honour in it.

Well it seems THAT went out the window nowadays.... I don't know...a couple of days ago I saw video of a bus-load of kids making fun of a little girl who has cerebral palsy. Throwing things at her, vilifying her. And I got this... 'whoosh! back to my childhood'.

There was this book called 'Karen'. And I would read it, and cry, because it was moving. It was about a little girl, and how she overcame many things, having cerebral palsy, and learned to walk and talk.... it was 'uplifting'. HOW can anyone trash a child like that? Oh yeah it was an African-American little girl, so that wouldn't MATTER to trash her like that.

Is that what 'Murka has become? And that is why I liked Colbert before Congress quoting the Bible.... 'even the least of you'.

The sysetm was a friggin' mess. Mostly, I made sure I got ignored.....

And edumacated myself on my own.

I don't know how I ever got out of that, but somehow I did... Except I don't think it has changed at all... I got lucky. Good parents. And I haven't thought about all that in many years. Am not a backward-looking person. You set your eyes on a goal, and go for it.

Seemingly, there was a lot wrong then, and a lot more wrong now. This was disconcerting.

Ed makes sense, watch:

Green Bay... oh.... this is bad..

This leaves me spitless and despairing. And the one thing in this politician's testimony that drives me crazy is the word 'money'. Listen closely. HOW can anyone defend somone ruining a child's soul and turn the argument around, so that it is always about 'money'???? I am so glad I am agnostic. And the interviewee... has courage.

Y'know how the Right loves to say gay people go after kids. I never really understood that. But whoa, the Catholic Church guys... they are psycho, and glad I escaped them as a child.

After all, it isn't isolated incidences....

Maybe as a gay person, I was lucky. I was fixated on people my own age, or older... from the age of 18... late bloomer.

This is totally disgusting:

Whack Jobs II

Indocrination much? Rachel explains a Tea Party coloring book for five-year-olds. Holy crap!

WHACK JOB!

I am NOT going to go ON about this... but I have to say... some say GLBT people are paranoid, at the least, and everyone is 'understanding'. I do not KNOW how I got through the last ten minutes, I do not. And that 'thing' is the assistant DA of Michigan? The man is a nut job. HOW, please, can he rise to such a level of insanity? Or 'prestige'??? This creep obsessing over a 21 yr. old student counsel head at Michigan University and terrorising him and his family and friends???? I hate to say this, but my gaydar went into the end of the red zone, and boy, he has issues....He has HUGE problems, and Anderson Cooper has no balls. And hiding what everyone knows anyway. Take a look at a troubled mind...

I lurv's me some Ed---

And Bernie Sanders, he is awsome. Having grown up in a mill town where outsourcing began... Yeah, it's correct...

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'Less is said than done'

It's edumacation week on MSNBC. I was REALLY shocked to learn that the US slipped from number one in the rankings of industrialised nations. I hadn't realised it was so BAD. Down to 25 of 30 nations for science? 21 of thirty at math?

Holy crap!

When you... and mostly I... talk about the dumbing down of the populace so that the upper crust gets more 'upper'.... oh wow. Those are figures you can't argue with.

Now, I don't know how they measure that in the US. In Europe, there is a yearly test called PISA, and it measures children's development in learning, and Austrians (the gov't.) gets pissed off if they aren't top ranking. And raises hell.

It is very competitive, and they INVEST in making changes, so that children get the best edumacation possible. It 'sounds' like a vanity thing, but for them it is dead earnest.

Because the 'brighter' your young population is, the more successful they will be.

Sure.... we all HEAR whack jobs like Christine O'Donnell denying evolution, (which she probably doesn't believe...) or all the crap thrown about just to make a political point...

But it makes no sense. You have to nurture children, make them curious about the world, make them very happy to just look about them and learn.

They haven't only made adults into political footballs, they have children dumbed down.

I had the worst teacher EVAH in eighth grade. She was ill, but I didn't KNOW what was wrong. She would go into a little closet, and drink something. And promptly fall asleep. All hell would break loose in class, and she would be 'out of it'. That was frustrating...

So one fine day, I went to the principal and complained. 'And it smells like alcohol'.

Turned out she was terminally ill, and I was 'da rat'.

Well, Preciousses, I don't BUY that. Surely, am sorry for the woman. HOWEVER, she had us so badly prepared for High School it was HORRIBLE.

And that was THEN... but what the hell, it was a school in a poor neighborhood, no one was going to DO anything, and if you wanted to get ahead you had to STRUGGLE. Most didn't make it.

Seemingly, it's even much worse nowadays.

I got to high school, and spent three MISERABLE years being an outcast, because I was from the wrong side of town, and my grades showed that.

And in my senior year, I had a guidance counselor. Told him I wanted to go to university, and he was only interested in the kids from the North End, where they are rich. He ridiculed me, and laughed in my face. So I went to a local business college who would take 'anybody', and made the Dean's list. Straight A's, hey. It even made the local newspaper. And I TOOK that and shoved it in my counselor's face... along with the news that I had gotten accepted at the local university.

There is SO much wrong with the US edumacation system, it shrieks to high heaven. And at base, it's always been about class, or race, or Gawwd knows what. It was always a shake-down.

Seemingly, things went from very bad to much worse since the 1960's....

I liked this Ed clip.

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oooo... Colbert does it again

You can see it HERE. Man I love satire.

I did NOT like seeing Bill O' 'threatening' Stephen yesterday on the Daily Show. And Jon Stewart should have just smacked him down much harder than he did.

What the hell was THAT about, btw.

Just re-visited the link. Whoa.... He is so fantastic at what he does. It's about DADT. I wanted to stand up and cheer. I love his fake Rethug figure.

Someone was analysing it, and it is always he offering asshole arguments as a 'conservative', and then the flips it at the end, and makes the laughter stick in his audiences' throat. This one was perfect. Please watch.

Peter always 'got' his humour. And was delighted with it. He's always 'understood' English more than he could speak it. Or was willing to, he was afraid of making a mistake. I used to play some of this stuff for him over the telephone. And could hear him laughing at all the right places... He got it...

Can't do it today... he wouldn't remember five minutes later....

But he would understand it... we had a stellar artist like that. Who once did a wannabe Nazi, one of the most amazing things I have ever seen. Or 'The Last Days of Mankind' by Karl Kraus, which is a masterpiece, and did all the voices, and made us laugh so hard, it really physically hurt. (It was about WWI....) And, um, to do THAT whole thing takes about seven to eight hours. It was massive. We had to turn off the tee-vee around half-time. BECAUSE it hurt.

That is what satire DOES. It makes you laugh so hard that you hurt. If you are human....

Colbert comes so very close to our Helmut Qualtinger. And that is the highest accolade I can think of. Except Qualtinger could do and become 'anybody'. If you had seen 'The Name of the Rose' on film, you have seen him. He went barefooted in the snow, and caught p-neumonia and died.

So let's just toast consumate artists. And Colbert is up there on my list.

bombarded with impressions...

Hmm.. Peter is doing what people do when they are losing it.

He's on the edge, and still 'KNOWS' and is panicked. And it is heart-breaking to me.

The daily things are ok. The dark things, where he is somewhere else.... he is frightened, and very upset.

He tells me stuff that isn't true, because he 'dreams' it. Like they had taken him into 'town' today, which I hardly can believe... But in his mind, he was there...

Listen, I KNEW this was coming. Since the stroke. Günther pulled some strings, talked to the neuological station, and said, 'Listen... my colleague said that he has changes in his brain structure... if you take insulin too long, that isn't good either....' And that is what friends do.

Ya know, we have gay code... they have doctor code... and I knew what he meant.

And I thought, 'ob boy, here it comes...' Except it didn't. For a long while, but I knew...

So... we had a couple of good years, if hectic, but I KNEW it was gonna be horrible.

And went for it....

That is what commitment means.

So... I am trying so hard to be 'da Macho'. Truly.

The past two days, listening to 'the little boy, lost in the dark', makes me totally 'depri'.

Increases my other worries, as in 'what if he dies?' I don't think he paid off his burial costs. I recently learned that the grave he wants to be buried in doesn't EXIST any more... that was a treat...

The Church wanted five thousand Euros to keep both the grave and the Gruft up for the next ten years, and he didn't HAVE it. So they will ereadicate the people in there. Charlotte was so upset not to find her mother. And I KNEW it was because he didn't pay for it....

If worst comes to worst.... I don't know what the fuck I'm gonna do.

Life is a roller-coaster ride.

Ya never know....

Snakes on a plane....

Now how would you like to wake up next to that sleeping guy on the right every day? And see that horse-face?

That 'person' came out a couple of weeks ago. Ken Mehlman. He was head of the GOP and very important under Bush. And did great damage to everything for GLBT people, although he himself is gay, and a lot of people knew it at the time.

So yeah, he came out. And is sooooo sorry.... except he is not, he's on a self-pity trip because he is no longer important and became a liability. It's NICE to see that he can even sleep on a plane, but I don't think he will sleep so well in Hell.... which is where HE will land...

I stumbled over this yesterday via Towle Road and Twitter.

What you SAID wasn't enough, Ken. And what you did was unforgiveable.

Seemingly Harvard trains up arseholes as well as people who help the community.

I have to ask myself... what is it in education that fails, and turns out entitled, greedy, unforgiveable idjits, and people who do good?

Oh yeah, snakes on a plane. Don't know who the nipple belonged to....

Went out to vote.... state elections for a new governor and

officials... The Socialists have a sligtht lead before the local Rethugs.

We shall see tomorrow.

It is always so weird to vote here.

Too simple, ya know?

It's like the 1950's in 'Murka.

Peter is having a bad day, called me four times, doing circular thinking... THAT really got me fired up....

Gawd, that is so sad...

Damn that Steven Colbert!

(grin). He testified before Congress 'in character', about a bill regarding migrant farm workers.

Heads on the Right's Establishment party exploded. I've noticed for a long time now that for a pundit, he does an awful lot of good things behind the scenes to help people, and clarify issues. His five minutes before the hearing began were golden, but in the end, very serious.

But during the real hearing, he got off one very good parting shot, being serious.



Olberman did a decent re-cap yesterday. I love the Faux reaction, that woman should be relegated to psycho talk on The Ed Show...

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Ran the gamut again yesterday....

Yeah, Gamlitz... for the first time in three weeks, he wasn't sleepy, it was a picture-book perfect fall day, warm, and sunny. He was willing to go outside for a walk. He is still pretty weak, but I started to get him dressed, and noticed his Depends were wet, so got a nurses' aide to change him, and she got him into his wheelchair, and off we went. When we got to the entrance near Admin, the Director came out and greeted him kindly. And as we left, some woman was waving cheerfully to me from the terrace they have between two of the wings. I didn't know WHO the hell she was, but I smiled and waved back. And the rest of the visit was just as surreal....


Up to his last episode, if he were out with me on a 'jaunt', he'd patter on about politics, and all sorts of things, but he was very inwardly directed. 'Oh, the sun!....' 'Mmmm, the wind.. ' (It was just a slight breeze.) He'd been cooped up in the room for nearly a month with mostly his tee-vee. I tried out the path along the brook that runs near the house. We got a ways down to see what it all looked like, then rested under a willow.

And he said, 'Oh, the brook, it sounds so nice.' 'Yes, it is so quiet here.' 'Listen to the birds.' 'Yes, that is very restful, don't you think, Peter?' We stayed there a while, enjoying the beautiful landscape, the softly rolling hills, the vinyards, the verdant flora. I discovered they have lady slippers growing wild there. I thought they were only native to North America.

I didn't want to tire him out, so rolled him back, and asked him if he would like to go to 'our' café down on the corner, sit outside a bit more, and if he would like something there. He said yes, so we spent another half hour in a courtyard set off the street with an abundance of flowers, he had a mineral water with lemon, and then we wheeled back up to the complex.

I left him for a little while in the sun, he seemed to enjoy that. Then we went back up, I undressed him and got him back into bed, and he seemed exhausted. There were still ninety minutes before my bus came, so I said, 'Would you like to take a nap for half an hour? I'll go out and read on the terrace and smoke.' 'You'll come back?' (fearful) 'Of course I will. Just try to rest a little, ok?' 'Ok...'

So I did, came back in, he was awake, and I asked, 'Couldn't you sleep?' 'No, 'they' kept coming in and asking me if I needed anything.' (Not true.) 'Charlotte sends her greetings...' 'OH, did she call while I was downstairs?' 'No, she was here.'

Uh-huh....

'Really? Am sorry I missed her...'

He knows he's losing it, and is frightened, and has his moments of clarity, but coming in and seeing that he was watching a pool tournament on the sports channel chilled me... That would have been the LAST thing he would have watched two months ago.

Soooo... greetings and hugs that I had to bring as emissary, (you know him and know who you are...) were duly delivered during one of his 'clear' phases. He was touched, and said to return them, so mission accomplished.

Da V. hates nursing homes. Says they are full of people with blank stares. Not so true there. There is a 'coven' of gossiping oldies on a sofa grouping near the dining hall, with a small radio tuned in to an oldies station, and they gossip, and comment loudly about the passersby. When I wheeled him back from our 'jaunt', one woman said, 'Look, the man with the missing leg is back!' Peter was irritated, and hissed, 'Did you HEAR that?' I was too busy giggling, and hissed, 'Later!'

But that meant he hadn't been out of his room in nearly a month.

On my way out, I ran into 'my guy', a Grazer who worked in a machine factory. His wife had two strokes, he can't take care of her, but it seems he is there every day of the week, and takes her out walking. But she's alert, and always greets me in a friendly way, and he is always, 'Servas'. 'That's a familiar greeting, sorta, 'How's it going?' Nice man.

So it was, 'Servas, how's 'da Boss'? Is he really going to be transferred to Wiesbaden, in Germany?' I was so taken aback. And said, 'No, he's weakened, and it will only be in his imagination.' (I had thought we'd gotten through that...)

So that was surreal part two.

In one of my smoking breaks outside, Juliana from Admin came out and asked me if I would like a cappucino... 'It's my treat...' I guess I often wear my worries on my face, and people read me easily. And I said, 'Oh, thank you, that would be very nice.'

So... we're back to health care. I've been down there since March now weekly, almost never the same day. And keep my eyes open. And think that the facility is exemplary. The staff is exceptional. They don't talk down to people, and seem to genuinely care for all their charges. I couldn't imagine having to do that day for day without going to pieces inside. So I think they are special. And some have an extra antenna, and if you visit, and they see you are upset, they stop and have an extra minute with you. Warm, friendly, direct, they don't gloss things over. That is special.

Tja, and that is socialised medicine. Some people in the US should have it so good.

Hmm... going to Gamlitz isn't my idea of a 'good time'....

And can be surreal at times....

But everyone gets treated with dignity.

I recently posted how I love Thurber evenings....

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I discovered Thurber in Austria, and he was funny, tragic, and an artist. In my eyes.

But this series on Countdown has a history. At the height of the health-care debate, Mr. Olberman was often gone. His father was dying. And he would read these stories to his Dad, who opined, he should do that on his show. The Thurber estate and heirs were of the same opinion.

If that is his way of getting closure, fine. But I have most of the books from back in the Seventies, haven't looked at them in a long while, and he helps me rediscover how hard I laughed back then.

But in reality.. there were lessons to be learned in those seemingly 'funny' stories. He got it.

Enjoy. And you can get more from the Countdown site... there is a link on the left hand side... Fridays with Thurber. I LOVE 'The Night The Ghost Got In'.

It's six p.m.

Huh... oooo mild, the window is open, and 'da preacher' across the court is doing his evening song fest. Seven a.m., and 6 p.m. I can't get much of it, but the chorus is rousing. 'Precious Hands'. I finally have to google this. When will the guy FINALLY learn he can't sing? The neighbors yell. But I love the chorus. He sings it with so much conviction, it's uplifting. Am not joking.

I think THOSE are the only two notes he can hit.

Just another moment in a day, hey, but it makes me grin. Da neighbors are off the charts.

Whoo.....

I was up from 3 a.m. Got some kind of bug, but didn't trust myself to go to 'Gamlitz' today. And spent most of it throwing up.

There is NOTHING I hate more. But I couldn't be on the train, and a half-hour in a soon-to-be ghost town, and a bus, and then afterward an hour in Café Purgatory and the forty minute ride back without being 'embarrassing'.

Peter just called and was devastated.

Crying.

I said, 'Ok, will kick my ARSE in gear, and visit, come hell or high water.' He'll get his hugs.

Someone needs to check his mail again. Important.

Otherwise?? Between trips to the WC, and throwing up.... I GOT TWO POINTS in the super-duper SOAP CONTEST. Called it! I KNEW that earring was going to be found and Viv, the villainess is going to be freed again. From her arch-enemy. And the arch-enemy EJ is gonna wake up and not be a vegetable after getting a bullet in the head. And got another the other day for telling 'Da V' that people in comas do open their eyes once in a while, I knew that from personal experience. Oooo... am ahead.

I can't wait for tomorrow, which is your today, and see if Maggie, the rival, is so stupid as to remove the sarcophagus cover herself, and alone in that family crypt. Told him she'll rise up like Dracula from the grave on a full-moon night....

At least it would make me chuckle all the way down to Gamlitz after a week of little sleep....

On another level... tja, am not happy....

In my meanderings on the intertubes.... Jimmy Carter is making the rounds with a book, and was on the Daily Show. For a soon-to-be 86 year-old... He made Jon Stewart actually blush. As far as I could tell, anyway. With references to Christine O'Donnel of Delaware, studying witchcraft, and masturbation. It was the latter that absolutely threw Stewart.

That was hilarious.

Otherwise... just a day like any other.

An addendum...

Have you NOTICED... the Rethugs ask for money beginning with 250 dollars, and way up to a thousand? Or MORE?

HONEST Dems like Alan Grayson and now Wes Clark modestly ask you if you have a fiver to spare.

THAT is a world of difference...

As my Mom used to say, (the good one), 'Every little bit counts.' I couldn't agree more.

oh wow. General Wesley Clark!!!!!

In my mail. It certainly wasn't him personally, but he signed off on it. That is way impressive, as is the man himself. I've seen him in the media often enough to know, the man has ultimate integrity. His group is asking for money for the Dems in November.

I can't donate even five dollars. It would taint it, because I'm not a national. It would be illegal.

I don't wanna 'do' 'illegal'.

And yeah, I get stuff from Barbara Boxer's campaign, and my hands are tied. Sue me.

I HAVE done things where I could... sniggling around things, and signing petitions.... but this would be self-incriminating.

However... I don't think it would be unlawful to pass this on. General Clark is one hell of a guy... someone might have a dollar to spare, who the hell knows?

Renã© --

Election Day is just 42 days from today and everything you and I care about is on the line.

A Republican victory would unleash an agenda so extreme that it would make George Bush blush. Well, that's not going to happen.

I've reviewed the DCCC's campaign plan. They have a smart, aggressive battle plan for winning this election based upon a carefully targeted media strategy and a Get-Out-The-Vote plan using sophisticated voter turn-out models that even our opponents say is second to none.

But, this plan depends upon a secret ingredient: Committed grassroots supporters like you. To launch into action, we must raise $278,451 more before Friday's deadline to get money to campaigns before their Day of Action this Saturday.

Every dollar you give can mean the difference between victory and defeat on Election Day.

Contribute $5, $10 or more to Democrats' Early Voter Action Fund before Friday's deadline when we have to finalize our field plans. Your contribution will be matched 2-to-1 by a group of committed Democrats to help in even more close races.

The fact is more than 75% of the DCCC's funding comes from individual donors like you. The DCCC knows how to put those dollars to work exposing radical Republicans' promises to privatize Social Security, repeal health care reform and gut Wall Street regulations.

I'm asking you to step up right now and provide the financial resources we need to get out our message and turn out our voters.

Contribute $5, $10 or more to Democrats' Early Voter Action Fund before Friday's deadline when we have to finalize our field plans. Your contribution will be matched 2-to-1 by a group of committed Democrats to help in even more close races.

The stakes in this election could not be higher. Its outcome will determine whether we continue to move forward with President Obama or return to the failed Bush policies of the past. I'm asking you to stand up and be counted by supporting House Democrats with as generous a contribution as you can afford.

Thank you.


Wesley Clark
General, U.S. Army (ret.)

P.S. Mobilizing our voters and getting them to the polls is the key to victory on Election Day. We need the financial support from committed Democrats like you to help lead the way. Contribute before Friday's deadline and your support will be matched 2-to-1 by a group of committed Democrats. Thank you.

I missed this on Friday... Fired up

Good stuff...

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Yeah, Ed Schultz

Of 'The Ed Show'... My firebrand... Luv it when he gets 'fired up.'

Take a look...

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Breaking news... and oh how can anyone think this?

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Cultural war at election time...

WHY in the world are things 'hot buttons'?

I spent this morning watching 'da V's' favorite villainess locked in a poisoned sarcophagous, and she was able to watch what was going on via a monitor inside of it with a remote she dropped. And said, 'this thing has less channels than cable Tee-VEE.' Thinking of Annti, I exploded with laughter. Am SURE she is gonna get out of there, and there will be hell to pay.

I am the grouchiest person you EVER want to encounter when I wake up. Even with Peter. 'DON'T even talk to me before I have my corfee.' So I don't usually go to the news right away, because it will make me 'scratchier'..

Well... I don't drink corfee any more. Doesn't agree with me, and I guess I had my life supply. It's how I see it. So I went to see Rachel. This clip is... well you get taken aback.

Yeah, most of it is on the abortion issue the Rethugs are putting out. But the 'gay agenda'? Which is gonna RUIN every heteros lives? Really.... That is sort of odd, you know? As long as I've lived, I'm gay... And have travelled widely, and oh gawwd.... met lots of people. And you know what? I never ran into a group that wanted to destroy heterosexual couples' LIVES... I never met ANYONE who was in an 'underground', and had an agenda, or tried to harm heterosexual couples. Maybe I was a 'wuss', and they didn't want to indoctrinate me, but lets face it. It's off-the-charts-crazy.

W. is the perfect example. He is so hetero, his testosterone goes over 100% Spent three and a half months crashing on my floor on the sofa cusions. And hated Americans and gays. But I was 'ok' in his estimation. So, if there was an 'agenda', I'd have turned him right around, and fucked his head up so he would never look at a woman again.

Never happened, didn't want it to, you don't MESS with people like that and you would fuck them up. So badly. You can't change what IS, hey. But you can bond, respect one another, and that is fine. And be 'brothers'.... Have each others' backs... And I think that happens in the armed forces. It's about trust.

So, ya know...

With all these ARSEHOLES bloviating and making up stuff about DADT, and oh wow, someone's gonna see you in the shower, or make a move on you... in all that time... I saw W's hiney once. Once. He didn't close the bathroom door, and I went to get something out of the kitchen. My goodness, what an agenda. And I was EMBARRASSED. And excused myself, and ran back into my room. Not that I was stalking, it was invading his privacy.

I've already DONE my post about women, and being denied their reproductive rights. But I DO get really angry when I hear about a 'gay agenda'-. It doesn't exist. We do get angry, and have to take the hits.

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I want to make something clear here....

About W.

There was no physical attaction. Evah.

He's hopelessly hetero.

We lived in close quarters for three and a half months, were both insomniac, and talked a blue streak till three or four in the A.M.

He used my shower, and was a bit shy about it at first. I gave him his privacy. It would not have OCCURRED to me to 'check him out'.... Unethical, much? It 'would have been'. Wasn't gonna happen.

And didn't.

The other stuff was intense.... him telling me how his father beat the crap out of him, and he was good at school, but he hurt him so badly, he got relegated to 'special classes', and having a teacher who 'believed' in him and got him back into the regular school...

He lived in a world of hurt.

But the Legion gave him a discipline that is rare.

Oh yeah, he's killed people---in wars. He was mostly a mechanic, but if there was a fight on, he had to fight, and it nearly killed him inside.

So... I think it was about 'bonding'.

I'd like to kill his father for doing that to him, but he is long dead.

I recently told someone that children need a post-it sticker on their foreheads with the admonition, 'Handle With Care'.

Not beat them up or mistreat them.

So you give and you get, hey....

I never go LOOKING for stuff in my life, have had ENOUGH adventure.

W. came into my life unexpectedly, and whaddaya know... Calls me every week or so, and is like a brother. With lots of bossy advice, and stuff... he's an Aires, what did you expect.... but for me he is family.

So where am I going with this? Don't Ask, Don't Tell. It is so wrong. W. knew. He HATED Americans and gays. But I was somehow ok for him. I never understood that twisted thinking...

The FACT is, we co-existed on a decent level, and were of help to one another.

So no one hurt anyone else. Why don't they understand that, huh?

He's my bro'. And I came to care for him like that. He's 'family'.

That is what GLBT people do. They find 'family'.

W. calls me. No one else ever calls me.

Am curious as to how he is gonna get his son and former girlfriend back to Austria out of Ethiopia.

That won't be easy.

Oh! Good things take time....

You know how I first got involved with the 'French Foreign Legion' guy? And he made me start a search for his disappeared son in Addis Abbeba in Ethiopia, and I went through every help committee I could THINK of, and we just hit all those dead ends?

Well, Preciousses... it's taken nearly two years.

W. needed me to do all the English, and the searches, he was desperate, because they 'disappeared.'

Today, he called me. He calls me fairly often, he's actually a nice guy....

This past week, he got a call from the Ministry of the Interior. They found his little Karli. I wouldn't have believed it, was all 'impatient', and got to yelling at people. (I'm not what they call 'patient'...)

W. is over the moon for happy. And I got all the goose bumps.

The Ministry put him in touch with his little boy. He'd been ASKING for two years where his father was, and was overjoyed to hear him again. His mother was telling him, 'Well he may be somewhere else in Africa, or in Austria, I don't know, honey...' And he joyously yelled, 'Comment ca va?'

My eyes sweated.

W was laughing, and saying, 'his hair is down to his arse, but that's his thing.'

And the whole family ran in, and were all over him... but in English.

And he said, 'I SO wish you would have been there to translate for me.'

That is the nicest thing I ever heard.

I am just so happy that something I set in motion turned out to have a happy end.

He's gonna take his son and his mother to Austria, and that is gonna be a chore.

But he got his son back, and that is amazing. I had given up, inside, and I think he did too.

Am glad to have been of some help, even if it took so long.

Sundays are always boring....

I caught up with some stuff on the nets, but don't like all the boring ego-inflated old white men blathering on news shows.

It can be pathetic--- bullet points from two parties, salivating like a Pavlov dog... it sort of disgusts me....

So I was rummaging around different Soaps from Friday. It's fairly uncanny... Three of five were dealing with 'living wills'. And the issues involved. And I was telling 'da V.' recently, that that is a 'good' thing. Of course it is all 'dramatic', but those were actually good. Informing people that you can have a choice about end-of-life care, and deciding what you want.

NOOO... it is NOT about death panels. It's deciding what you want... to be on life support and they take all measures, or not to have life-extending measures taken, and just go. I think one of the best lines was, 'Oh, Murphy.. extending death? Please don't do that to me.'

I wouldn't want that either. I was surprised that in the US, it has to be with a lawyer, which costs a lot, so who can afford that, huh? We can do it at the hospital, and it is binding. So I wish that would be an option everywhere and not depend on money....

Think what happened to poor Terry Schiavo.

And while we are ON that... no one ever pronounced her name correctly. It's italian, means 'key', and is pronounced sk, not sch....

Yeah, just a stickler for details, and SO much 'fun'....

Ok, checking it all out this morning... there are so many people saying good-bye to people on these shows, and some of it is moving, makes my eyes 'sweat'... that's fairly depri....

The 'trouble' is-.... I'm busy trying to figure out a way to say good-bye to Peter before he won't recognise me any more.

Leaving aside the dramatics, I guess there aren't so many words, you know? But they are sort of helping right now....

Oh yeah, there are hilarious things in all those story-lines, so absurd, you wanna shoot the writers.... but entertaining, it isn't all doom and gloom....

'Da V.' and I can descend into hilarity over a 'villainess' on his show. Who is currently stuck in a poisoned sarcophagus, which was intended for her imagined rival, as she wanted to bury her alive, but her step-son put her in there after finding out she had re-interred HIS mother in a plot in a pet cemetery. (Listen, she's a bad woman, killed people, and Schadenfreude much?)

That is the other side of 'da Soaps.'

And in three of the five, three people thought dead turn out to be alive. Oh, wow, how does anyone justify THAT?

Most of them are villains, of course....

Jeez....

However---there ARE themes which are important for that audience to see and contemplate. It's a heady mix.

So NOW... am gonna go contemplate how to say good-bye to Peter as long as he recognises me, OK?

I HATE Sundays.

Oh my, Soaps.....

I was out on the Square this morning, and was crying on Millie's shoulder, and she was asking about the Venerable, and we got into talking about Soaps. And SHE said, the reason women looked at them was because of the wardrobes, and clothes, and I said, oh, DU, not from what I see in the comments section.... They are into the 'hot' types who always have their shirts off, and have 'Muckis' and six packs, it's EYE Candy.... Now I hope I have the video to prove it. I 'lurv' me my Blair from One Life To Live, she can really belt it out. I don't know what the motive behind this was, but it is so much fun to watch, if you have been watching Soaps. Or sort of erotic if you haven't. Enjoy...

I want to make something clear here....

It's about the post two down below.

And yes, Keith was talking to a spokeswoman from 'La Reza' which represents the Latino population in the US, and yes, she was very upbeat.....

They wanna be included in the political process, and WHOA, who wouldn't? But the BOTTOM LINE is, you get two choices. Either you get to serve in the military and maybe get blown or fucked up, or somehow, miraculously, get into a school of higher education.

HOW is that supposed to be 'good', huh? HOW?

I don't see any programmes aimed at helping them into colleges or unis... It's a loaded game they are playing there.

This is sneaky. Underhanded. And to me, disgusting.

Because every other kid in the US has a mess of choices to choose from. Not just two draconian ones. And it is a sneakret draft. Wow... just wow...

Listen.... I have no problem with young people who want to go into the Armed Services, I do not. (Other than thinking right now might not be the best time to do that...) But if they do, of their own free will, I respect that. It's the coercion thing I really hate. Not to have a lot of choices.

Because of politics. I could just throw up at the thought.

How History repeats itself. Bill Clinton backed down and did the DADT bill. Now Obama is coming up with THIS? Blood on his hands, hey. Short or long term, he will regret it, and it will be on his hands.

This is HORRIBLE policy. A back-door draft, name it what you will.

And I am very angry about it. I expected better things.

So are we clear on this now???

Thurber...

I love what Keith Olberman is doing. In general. But Fridays are really special. He lost both is parents in less than a year. And was just going on going on, taking much time off during the middle of the health care debate, and reading to his father, then roaring in to go all Rambo on the nay-sayers. And he does a lot of good stuff behind the scenes.

He would read James Thurber to his father in his last days. And his father used to say, 'You should do that on Tee-vee.... Whatever, the last heiress of James Thurber gave him permission to do that. And his estate regulators.

So Fridays are special. And I KNOW all these stories, and have laughed so much over them. His recent redition of 'The Greatest Man in the World' was classic, as well as 'The Night the GHOST Got in'.. Y'see... I've read all these things, and was delighted, amused, thoughtful, and the drawings... he was nearly blind, but they were so funny.

However, there is a motive as well, about politics, and what Keith chooses... has a background. Enjoy today, the first part of 'The Day The Dam Broke'. And think about it.

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This is so fucked up....

HOW can you promise that children of immigrants will get automatic citizenship status if they fight in the military? It made me spitless. This was on Olberman last night.

Jeebus Cripes! hey...

Cynical much?

So, having followed the discussion.... if I were Mexican, and my parents schlepped me into the US, and I got raised there, and half-way educated, because it wouldn't be a good school, or neighborhood, and survived all the local violence, I would be able to join the armed services of my choice... (or not) and THEY would send me somewhere really exotic and put me in harm's way.... And if I survive that... I'd get citizenship. Or be dead and get a greeting card from Hallmark on my coffin.....

And they call that the Dream Act. Oh really? It's another form of the draft, aimed at the most needy.

Jeebus... and I thought 'Don't Ask Don't Tell' was evil...

This is diabolical.

And it isn't even coming from the Rethugs. O'Bambi thinks it's terrific.

How crazy ARE these people? There ARE other options... like not going to 'Murka. Evah.

Because the leaders have gone over the top for nuts, it's gonna be like seeing Lemmings run over a cliff and drown.

I wanna see what the rest of Countdown looks like from yesterday. But do not like it so far...

Oh YEAH, there is a codicil to the deal. Either you get higher education, like college or a university, or go into the military. Now HOW does one expect THAT to happen if you are in a lower class environment, and everyone is struggling to put food on the table? HUH?

Holy crap, I've BEEN there.... It was crazy. So many Catch-22's it was nuts. Because I had a job, I wasn't eligible for a grant because I earned SOOO much. Bottom line? They KNOW how to keep the 'undesirables' out, but I fought it and found a way. It was uncomfortable, cost me a hell of a lot in money and energy, but I fucked THEM over.

I hardly think that an immigrant youngster would be equipped to do that, with some exceptions, of course....

So WHY is everyone so happy about this 'Dream Act'?

Are they fully bonkers?

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La Raza may be on board with it, but, they are talking about poor, Latino children here, who get the chances turned against them, and I find it disgusting.

The idea is so bad, it stinks to high heaven. Cannon fodder... that's what they want.

Well, dream on, Preciousses.

The Venerable...

is incredibale.

He is cheating on me, because he reads spoilers. Y'know... what is gonna happen next on the Soaps we watch. So someone gets a point if you can guess what is coming next on them.

I do not. Not fair. We have a time difference so that I can't keep up with the latest till they get posted on YouTube. That was part of the pact.

We are currently going bonkers because 'Vivian' is getting her comeuppance. She was planning to bury her rival alive in the family grave, and her step-son turned things around after finding out she had re-buried his mother's remains in a pet cemetery. And put HER in the poisoned sarcophagous. Whoever writes for that show is really sick and perverse... wouldn't wanna meet them....

We 'love' Vivian. Good actress.

But that isn't what this is about....

I know what the V. is doing.... he is someone who doesn't show what he feels. So he tries to make me feel good by deflecting things. I see right through him. That isn't negative, btw. on the contrary....

He's not good at expressing how he feels. What man ever is? What IS good, is that he knows me better than I know myself...

He's playing me. In a good way... He has been through all this, and never said a word. But he knows. ..

I'm his changeling....

Now I'm in a quandary,, and he is just THERE...

So I am overwhelmed.

It's comforting to know that he is... he actually asked me if Peter still likes 'Gilmore Girls'. He did.

That wasn't a random question... It was acceptance.

Yesterday....

was my Gamlitz day... The town is in competition for the best floral stuff in the county. People take on godparenting skills for every box or container of flowers, and it is a matter of 'honour' to get the prize of the most beautifully gardened village. Over the year, have seen them toiling away at all the boxes, and little enclosures, they really seem to go at it. Gamlitz won the prize last year, and they have a proud billboard put up at the edge of town along the bus route in. PR. I like that.... it is a community effort, and crosses party lines. 'The pumpkin and the sqashes are a bit odd, but they just had their 'Thanksgiving', celebrating the harvest. I am glad I know these things....


At the bus-stop, you could see the first dab of the paint brush, autumn is coming.... I do love autumn here. Mostly green and gold. But it is slow and stately. The ones turning now will be the first to go green again in Spring. Not like where I grew up, where it comes in a brilliant flash of color, lasts two weeks, and then you get 'broom season', as Peter's mother used to call it.... Both have their advantages....

And I would love to know what this plant is. Never seen it anywhere else, and 'think' it belongs to the clematis family..... Anyone know? It gets quite lush and full....

Yeah, sometimes I stop to smell the flowers, and the smell of the freshly cut grass before I trudge up to the nursing home. Lately, it isn't fun, because I never know what I'm gonna find there.




So ok, it wasn't as bad as last week, thank Whomever... But it wasn't good, either. He slept a lot of the time, so I read on the terrace. I went there 'armed and loaded', as 'crazy eyes' Michelle Bachmann puts it.... But it wasn't a gun. It was a photo album.

Depicting the Rise of the Mühlgasse, where we lived. And our first trips to Venice, mostly. And a cruise on a ship in the Med...

There was a strategy behind this. I've been hearing for months now that Peter can be really awful when he goes into one of his 'not gonna do it' modes. Insults staff, and so on. Really crazy stuff. So I told the staff, 'This is my 'sneakret weapon', and pull it out when he gets like that. Show him a few pictures, and I think he'll cooperate. And if all else fails, tell him I would want him to. I did have psychology as a major at university before I changed it to German, so I know a little...' Juliana said, 'Well, it's worth a try...'

And I said, 'And it can't HURT...'

Well... I HOPE not....

'It's too heavy.'

'Look, I'm gonna put it on the table here, and when you are awake enough, you can get in the chair, and wheel over, and look through it, ok?'

'You're not going to take it away?'

'Of course not. You've never seen much of it before. Look, here's Giselle at Christmas with you.'

'Have you spoken with her? How is she?'

Sinking elevator.... 'Ummm... Peter, she isn't 'with' us any more....'

He looked angered, slapped his forehead. 'Oh God, I FORGOT... of course.'

I ran into his 'sassy' nurse and dragged her away for a few minutes, and informed her of 'da plan'. She seemed to like the mix. 'Oh, you were some sort of hunk,' she told him. 'And a proud car owner!' She spotted one of me, and asked, 'Is that you?'

I said, 'Yeah, once...'

She said, 'You still ARE.'

'I'm not so sure...'

Cracked her up, she knows I play 'sarcastic'.

It wasn't a pleasant day. The weather was picture-book beautiful and warm and I would have loved getting him out of there and go for a wheel-chair ride along the brook, there is a path, but he was too weak and tired.

The drive down was 'odd' again. So much construction, and the train for Vienna had a defective Locomotive---again.... and had to go running to another platform at the last minute to get the train I needed.

Infrastructure.... at least they still DO that here.... (shaking finger...) but who knows for how long???? There is an immense amount of construction going on along the route. Which leads to apologies over disembodied loudspeakers saying 'Sorry for the inconvenience.' Hokay...

The 'sassy' nurse was interested in the tiny garden I planted. After ten years, it was thriving, and something was always blooming, and I loved it, it's probably in my genes. And there was this picture of the pastor's garden across the street from us, a huge one with an evangelical church on the corner. It was so beautiful, I was fully envious. The pastor was fairly old when we moved in. And he was always out there, tending to things.

Well, we were a half-flight up, and I could always sorta study what he was doing, so I began to learn when to do what in my garden. (And I learn fast... ) But Nature takes it's own good time...

The pastor got retired, and they got a woman pastor... and the first thing that bitch did was raze the garden. And want to turn it into a parking lot. At a city council meeting, that was denied and she was really ripped. And one day, by accident, I saw the former pastor come up the street and see what she had destroyed. I'll never forget the look on his face. That was a life's work. Sorry for the b word, but that was heartless.

That cut my heart.

Little did I know... I tended mine, and it thrived, wasn't spectacular, but it was my 'moment of Zen' after a hectic day in the ho-tel, and 'Da Quiet', hey. Was like having a symbiotic connection. I planted it all, they were my babies.... And one of the next-door neighbors used to love looking out the winder and seeing it all grow, she was very complimentary....

When I moved out... the neighbors destroyed everything I did. Ripped everything out, tore down trees I planted, it was vicious, and then I knew how badly the old pastor must have felt.

Now I know why that album was sitting on a shelf for over ten years, and never looked at it. Some things are like ripping scabs off a wound that hasn't healed completely.

But you know what? It's EXACTLY like what is going on in the world, and especially the US. You try to build up something positive, and as soon as you turn your back, someone is gonna wanna tear it down. Out of spite, greed, whatever, and THOSE people will not build anything better, but make it a dust heap, and stomp your heart.

I refuse to even walk by that house for more than a year now. I feel like the old pastor. And no, there was nothing I could do to stop it all.

But you can... vote.

Hmmm... whatever... (shrug)....

So... when I go down there... and see all the flowers and sense of 'community spirit'... that's very nice. Always with the bitter pill... 'how I would love to have planted that in my garden'. Thus the pictures...

Yup, have been remiss in posting... sometimes you need a breather.

Was in Gamlitz today, but it is late, and am still trying to digest things. (Just impressions...)

It is late, and will have more about THAT tomorrow. Am exhausted.

And can tell you about Luna, the wonderdog. She is sort of a retriever crossed with some other breed, and is a sort of wonder-worker, belongs to the head nurse. No dog was ever more loved. I swear. (Well she is blonde, and I have a thing for blondes... smile...)

And the patients spoil her to death, and she can't get enough attention, and being petted. She wanted to get into the elevator with me, and I had to shoo her away, so she would be near her owner. I'm not so crazy about doggies. I like cats. Because they are a challenge.

But Luna can melt my heart. Was out on the terrace having a cigarette, and there was a woman on an oxygen tank, coddling her, petting her, and I think for a moment, she forgot about the tubes in her nose. And Luna was all 'Love me love me love me... more more more...'

Luna is impeccable. And very gentle.

This does NOT mean I haven't been following news over there. I did need a breather to make sense of the assinine primary wins that shocked, shocked me. Even in New Hampsha, there was a turn-around, but am still trying to make sense of it.

I can't go off half-cocked and just blather about what the MSM is so 'excited' about....

The whole thing is odd, worrying, and I don't GET it....

The crazies take over the asylum, or what?????

Well, I saw THAT film in June in REAL.... is this a re-run????

'Someone' needs to check his mail.

Am tired to the exhaustion point, so will be better equipped to go on tomorrow.

Jokeline... omg

This ARSEHOLE jut had the NERVE to diss all minorities in one sentence. 'You know, you got new minorities coming in, Latinos, South Asians, You have grandparents who have kids coming out and intermarrying, and you have a President whose middle name is 'Hussein', and who knows which way it is going?'

WTF?

Joke Line (Joe Klein) should be bansihed from the airwaves or anyone who has a shred of credibility in the media.

That one sencence should put him in a purgatory of never having to speak again, and was insulting in the worst way possible.

This was on Morning Joe yesterdaay, and I am incensed, I tell you, incensed.

In one sentence, he insulted half of my family, and myself.

It is so TYPICAL of a self-satisfied WASP being afraid that the world is changing.

Well... 'WAVING HAND IN THE AIR...'

'SIR? MAY I ASK A QUESTION?'

'You already GOT yours, so why are you afraid others might get theirs?'

It was so disgusting, am gonna go do something else now.

That really topped it for me for racism, xenophobia, and homophobia all in one sentence.

He keeps writing for TIME, and is supposed to be a LIBERAL?

Well what the hell happened? He is DISGUSTING.

Here we go again....

Another September 11th. Times nine. And the medea were being dorks. Y'know, just normal. And there was all this stuff about some pastor wanting to do a big book burning of the Quran in Fla. and everyone the fuck hell got into it and conflated it into an international issue. Good going, MSM... I've been more than disgusted over it for days now, but didn't want to put my two cent's worth in. Did have other things to worry about....

S0 let us get something straight here. I was IN Munich, when terrorists struck and killed people, not even one hundred yards away. I SAW what they did, and how they flew their hostages off in helicopters, and I was very young still. I will DIE with those images in my head.

They were radical Moslems. And it NEVER occurred to me to condemn all Moslems because of their crazies. Look at what crazy Christians do, killing doctor Tilden in a Church, because he defended the rights of women to have a necessary abortion? For instance...

Should I go all JIHAD on all Christians because of the few who are radical, and do terrible things? That is completely crazy.

From what I have learned, every religion tells you to love your neighbor and do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Best message ever, and I try to live it every day.

When I go to get a hair-cut, I go next door to Enver's place. He's a Moslem, from some high mountain village in Turkey.... He greets me in such a heart-felt friendly way. Cuts my hair as I wish, always says, 'I'm gonna make you 'schön' (His German is limited... I will never be 'schön' again... )

And then he gives me a shave. With the deadliest straight razor you can imagine. And of COURSE I think of Sweeney Todd at that point... Then he lathers me up, puts my head back on the head-rest, and says 'Sleep.' (What he means is: 'relax'. 'Toldja, his German is sorta iffy...) It's always a five minute pleasurable experience.

He's had his 'friends' come in with med records and wanted me to translate them for them so they could fill out forms.

And I DO, to the best of my ability.

Now, do you THINK I would do something like that if there were religious gross differences and animosities?

Well, am not THAT suicidal...

I consider this DISGUSTING, the way this is being played out.

People are human beings.

Morning J0e yesterday HAS to be the worst example of working all that shit. You DO NOT trash a religions' beliefs just to gain an election win.

That is so damaging....

So I got through half-way THAT car-wreck of a show, and since I am an insomniac at the moment and was up from three a.m.... I went back to bed.

It was to have a nightmare. I dreamed I had stayed another thirty minutes in the HO-TEL that day. I KNOW someone got a call just after I left, and they all ran up to the conference room, and turned on the tee-vee.

But I know I left, just heard about it later.

In the dream, I was there. And fully freaked. And I said, 'I have to go home, I have to try to reach my family.'

And in the dream, my Persian boss followed me out, grabbed me, and said, 'You can't blame us..' And I was, 'WHAA? We're talking about CRAZY people here! I have to get home and make calls!'

So yeah, maybe it could have happened in an alternate universe.

My Persian boss was very kind to me.

I really HATE all this religious/racist stuff going on. I do. People are people. And they are all different somehow. Makes life interesting.

The ones who engender hate deserve to be in a sort of 'soul Guantanamo' where they can't harm anyone.

In reality? It was the day I walked in, turned on the tee-vee, which I never do, and yelled 'What the fuck hell did Hollywood cook up for a B Horror Film????!!!!' Till it sank in. Despite the dream, I was happy to have a nervous breakdown in the privacy of my own home.

And I have nothing more to say about it at present.

Death with a thousand cuts....

Oh man...

This is so redundant. It is.

I don't know, it is just so superfluous to talk about.

Everyone goes through it in one form or another... And I GET that....

So I am just reacting, ok? Give me space to vent a little.

And be sad....

I did my daily call to Gamlitz. Devastating. The deterioration of memory is so rapid, I can hardly believe it. So fast, hey... I said, 'Coming down on Monday, bringing you the photo album I have.' (There is an ulterior motive to that, but it's 'sneakret'.)

'Oh, how nice'...

He fumbled with the phone, and we got disconnected, and I re-dialed, and landed in Admin. 'You just called.' Oh... new technology, how fucking wonderful.... I said, 'We were disconnected...'

Re-connected, he was 'When are you coming to see me?' 'Monday.' 'What day is it?' 'Friday, so it won't be long...' 'Oh...' 'Am bringing you pictures.' 'Oh, that is nice.'

THAT means his window of short-term recollection is about five minutes.

He said there was a nurse there to dress his remaining foot. 'Ljubica'. If he is in Hyde mode instead of Jekyll, he would have been insulting. But he said, 'She is really nice'. That was good... I heard from Ksenia that he can be really mean, and refuse any treatment whatsoever... So I said, 'Well that is nice to hear, and you let her take care of you, ok?'

And he... 'of course'... like a wayward child.

This from a man who taught me SO much. The one who gave me a full set of Proust one Christmas, and told me, 'You have to read this', and taught me about societal rules, and who was who in society, and steer me through finding my way. And teaching me about the things I love, like opera, and ballet, and theater. The scene here, I mean.

The one who was brilliant when it came to conversing and made me laugh my ass off. The one who loved me so much, he'd do anything to make me happy. And be so interested in what interested ME, he made it HIS interest.

So.... he was pretty impressive, and will never have that again. And yeah, he was tall, handsome, sportive...

That man is gone... all in a few months. I don't know what is gonna happen, no one does when these things happen....

I have FOUGHT for so long to keep him healthy, people would say I'm a hopeless optimist. But I WAS a bull-dog. I had my wins... but in the end, there are losses.

Today I realised... I'm going to have to begin saying 'Good-bye'.

And THAT is very bitter.

But nothing is more powerful than truth, so will have to face it.

Parenting isn't easy....

Yeah, I should TALK, hey...

This is apropos nothing, ok?

I was just reminiscing lately. That interchange at the nursing home wasn't exactly something to build you up, talking about 'the baby' refusing to wear depends, or use the urine bottle with the nurses, and boy, after so much, I don't even flinch any more.

'Where are you GOING???' 'Home'. 'Watcha gonna DO there?'

Wow. That is like watching 'The Curious Case of Benjamin Button', hey. In REAL.

I always wished we could adopt children. And I was happy when our upstairs neighbors suddenly had kids..... although I don't consider them very good parents. I was looking forward to hear them running around, and maybe baking some cookies or muffins, and Peter was all Harumph about those ideas. Well then he lost the house, so there went THAT idea.

Now I have a 'kid', a cantankerous one. Which reminds me you should be careful about what you wish for. And yeah, I might have had one, the hydraulics were ok, but I didn't want one that way....

Yeah, sigh, now I HAVE one. Not what I expected, of course.

No one knows what is gonna happen when they progenitate.

No one.

I'm astounded that my progenitor didn't disown me in his feelings.

But he didn't.

And I dug back in MY memories. Visiting Dorle, and she was fully exhausted, and walking her son Rainer round and round the room for hours, and he was screaming because he was teething, and she didn't have any paregoric. And just trying to comfort him.

Or my cousin's kids, and I was there daily to baby-sit and all the stuff that was just daily life.

I was like 'walking on eggs', and so careful with them. Children should have a post-it on their foreheads, 'Handle with care'. So I did.... shoot me....

Actually... I'm sorta kinda glad I didn't propagate. Over the years, I learned that children test limits from day one. And are their own personalities, and you can try to form them, but they go off and do what they do.

Look at me for instance. I was thirteen, and told my best friend, 'Some day I will go to Europe and stay there a very long time.' It was out of the blue, hey. But I did DO that...

I don't think my family were 'thrilled' about it. Did what I have to. And a mess of other stuff that wasn't exactly 'healthy'....

Everyone goes out and makes mistakes.

People who go out and drown in a brook, get revived after twenty minutes, land in a coma for six months and die in an epileptic trauma.... people who are careless, and die of AIDS, people who get run over by busses, or get so despairing they throw themselves under trains....

Preciousses...

There are SO many things out there that can just 'wait' to getcha.

And sooo... I 'think'.... with kids, you do the best you can, and hope for the best.

And Gawwd, no. Parenting isn't easy....

So maybe I made a right decision, one of the few....

At least I had a little experience, so....

It makes me sad not to have one of my own. Now I get Benjamin Button. sigh....

Aua....

which means 'ouch' in German. I did my duty call to Peter. (shrug) My eyes are 'sweating' ... again.

In which he asked me three times if I were going down there tomorrow.

After telling him three times I'd be there on Monday. Aua... 'There are intensities to how you say it, and it cut into me. Deeeply.

To top it off, I got some terrible news yesterday. It set off my waterworks, and I will and cannot speak about it. My eyes start leaking and don't wanna stop.

It was like a major earthquake for me... or a break in the watermain....

Ya know... sometimes Gawwd, whoever she is, can be a real bitch. And you get all the stuff 'bundled', and it comes at once and knocks you down? Like a flood or a mudslide? That is sort of how it feels, with a kick in the 'nads for good measure....

Was in Gamlitz, just back

And it just gets worse and worse. First the usual administrative aggravations, and boy, I can really get upset about those.... I have to check with the social services office for him and get some info.

Then to Peter's room. Phew... He's really declining fast. Weak, confused. He was only awake the first fifteen minutes I was there. And asked me if he were in the same room as before. I pointed around, and said, 'Of course, there's your raven painting, your cd's, your books over there, of COURSE it is.' He seemed a bit relieved, said he was exhausted and wanted to sleep a half hour. I said, 'Ok, you do that.' He dropped right off, fetal postion, clutching the bed rail again. That is a recent development.

Well, THAT was unsettling, so I slipped downstairs, and told Juliana and asked her if she knew what they had found out in Wagna. Oh no, she's admin, but would have Nurse Ksenia, who is the head of the nursing staff come and speak with me.

She said they had found nothing wrong with his lungs in Wagna. And with a kindness that is really innate with her, I think, told me enough to say... he's going into dementia. The slips a year or so ago were just once in a great while, but it's accelerated badly over the past month or so.

Whatever, at times he can really go into bad-boy mode with them, gets racist, refuse to take his meds, and throws them out of the room. Me: 'You can't FORCE him?' She, shocked: 'Oh NO, that's against the law! But he needs his medication regularly. He's like two people, one day he's the NICE Mr. P., all cooperative, and polite and pleasant, and then in a moment he becomes the BAD Mr. P.'

I said, 'Sounds like Jekyll and Hyde.' She laughed a bit. 'It's just his sickness, he's at a point where he's not aware he is doing it.' And yes they all know the R.L. Stevenson story here in some form or other....

And she said, 'Listen, don't tell him, but he HAS to take those pills for his blood pressure and his heart, and it has to be regular. So we put it in his coffee. ' Well there had just been corfee and cake at three, and I snorted, and said, 'Well thank goodness I didn't drink half of it today', (which I sometimes do...) And she laughed, and said, 'not to worry, it's only in the morning one.' (I guess it's like sneaking vet medicine into a pet's food and hope they don't notice...) And I said, 'Well, whatever works without the drama...'

Well, of the three hours there, he was awake for maybe half of it. And shortly before 4 p.m. I said, 'Well, it's that time again, have to go, Peter.'

He looked at me astonished, and asked, 'Where?????'

'HOME, Peter....'

'Where's THAT?'

'Graz, Peter, remember??? I have to get my bus and train. Last connection...'

'What are you gonna DO there?'

'Get something to eat, then sleep, it's been a long day.'

'Oh... You can't stay here?'

'Sorry, no, I can't.'

'Oh.'

That was the most surreal discussion I have EVER had with him. It was sort of devastating.

He's got no money there---again, and looks like hell. Hair too long, and beard a mess. I had brought him 200 Euros Saturday a week ago, and had put it in the drawer of his night-stand in Wagna. He knew nothing today about where it had gotten to. So I had to clear THAT up. Asked at admin shortly after arrival, and they said a male nurse had found he was looking disoriented, so he gave it to the nursing home to hold, and they were keeping it for him.

He had gotten a clock repaired, and it was expensive, so I said, 'Listen, you take that to cover the repair, use the rest for his co-pay, I will explain it to him, am sure he will say it is ok, and whatever the rest is that's open... well, I have only one idea, I'm afraid. ' And explained.

I've had to build up so much trust down there... and they do, and honestly seem to like me. I saw my former steel-worker guy from Graz in the hall on the way out, and he pointed at me and said, 'Servas'. That is a 'familiar' greeting form. Poor man's wife has had two strokes and will most likely never leave. But he is always there any day of the week I go down there, and is very attentive, takes her out walking through the countryside. I guess he is one of the good guys.

That was just after two nurses aides came in and said, 'We have you take you downstairs and weigh you.'

Hildegard came to mind, and I asked, 'My Lord, you have a CRANE?'

Peter was, 'are you plappering out of the sewing kit?' which is slang for gossiping.

I said 'No, the crochet kit' (The word for crochet can ALSO mean to pull someone's leg.)

I've seen those two a few times before, and the senior one really gets on with Peter, and is 'sassy' and funny, he likes her. I do too, for that matter....

'Oh, we're STRONG women', they said.

And I pretended a double take, and said, 'Wow, Superfrauen!' They laughed.

I had already seen that they can take a joke, so I wasn't being out of bounds or snarky....

Gawwd, my thinking is sort of circular today. So it isn't a linear relating of the day, am afraid. As I've said before, I come back from there, and get out so little, it usually takes me a few hours to digest all the impressions in order to BE linear, and by the time I get done, it's usually midnight.

And am just too tired to do that this evening.

It ended with me going to Admin again, because Ksenia said, 'Gawwd, that beard, he looks like a Bushman.' So I stopped by, said 'I'm a real pest today, but Ksenia told me that a barber is coming on Tuesday, so I want to deposit this money so he gets a haircut and shave. He knows... for now. And this is MY personal money, not his, so I want to make sure that happens.' She gave me a receipt.

I got into a good short discussion with my 'alternate' bus driver on the way back to Ehrenhausen, had my wait in Café Purgatory, the train came.... And got STUCK 300 Meters from the platform in Graz, something wrong with the locomotive, and we had fifteen minutes till the damned thing made that last little stretch. People lost some connections. I had to go to the WC and you can't do it in a train station on the train. OW. I was afraid I was gonna have a Margaret Cho moment.... So finally, we get there and am cramping... And then the automatic doors stuck and we couldn't get off. So I RAN for the bus, grabbed a frozen lasagne, and made it to my own WC JUST in time.

Maybe I should file this under... 'what I did with my day'....