Death with a thousand cuts....

Oh man...

This is so redundant. It is.

I don't know, it is just so superfluous to talk about.

Everyone goes through it in one form or another... And I GET that....

So I am just reacting, ok? Give me space to vent a little.

And be sad....

I did my daily call to Gamlitz. Devastating. The deterioration of memory is so rapid, I can hardly believe it. So fast, hey... I said, 'Coming down on Monday, bringing you the photo album I have.' (There is an ulterior motive to that, but it's 'sneakret'.)

'Oh, how nice'...

He fumbled with the phone, and we got disconnected, and I re-dialed, and landed in Admin. 'You just called.' Oh... new technology, how fucking wonderful.... I said, 'We were disconnected...'

Re-connected, he was 'When are you coming to see me?' 'Monday.' 'What day is it?' 'Friday, so it won't be long...' 'Oh...' 'Am bringing you pictures.' 'Oh, that is nice.'

THAT means his window of short-term recollection is about five minutes.

He said there was a nurse there to dress his remaining foot. 'Ljubica'. If he is in Hyde mode instead of Jekyll, he would have been insulting. But he said, 'She is really nice'. That was good... I heard from Ksenia that he can be really mean, and refuse any treatment whatsoever... So I said, 'Well that is nice to hear, and you let her take care of you, ok?'

And he... 'of course'... like a wayward child.

This from a man who taught me SO much. The one who gave me a full set of Proust one Christmas, and told me, 'You have to read this', and taught me about societal rules, and who was who in society, and steer me through finding my way. And teaching me about the things I love, like opera, and ballet, and theater. The scene here, I mean.

The one who was brilliant when it came to conversing and made me laugh my ass off. The one who loved me so much, he'd do anything to make me happy. And be so interested in what interested ME, he made it HIS interest.

So.... he was pretty impressive, and will never have that again. And yeah, he was tall, handsome, sportive...

That man is gone... all in a few months. I don't know what is gonna happen, no one does when these things happen....

I have FOUGHT for so long to keep him healthy, people would say I'm a hopeless optimist. But I WAS a bull-dog. I had my wins... but in the end, there are losses.

Today I realised... I'm going to have to begin saying 'Good-bye'.

And THAT is very bitter.

But nothing is more powerful than truth, so will have to face it.