Jake in a blizzard....

Blizzards are horrible to me. My cousins got married during one in New Yawk waaay back when, but it seems like yesterday. And their grand-daughter got married in one yesterday in NH, but none of the 158 people came to damage, and were all safe, and seemingly happy. In NH... blizzards are a given, people deal with them, and they are more like pit-bulls biting your pants leg than anything else.... irritating if not outright aggravating.

But blizzards can really change your outlook on things. The last one I experienced was on Thanksgiving in the early Seventies. It was on Thanksgiving day, and I chose early work at a cinema, so as to go to the family dinner in the late afternoon. My aunt did that, and it was an extravaganza, everything you could wish for and believe was possible, and I don't believe there were never less than forty people in the appartment, it was the event of the year... for me at least....

And HOW the snow came down, and wind blowing it into drifts, hey, we were on skeleton crew, and were opening with Clint Eastwood's first directorial film, 'Play Misty For Me', a thriller. The snow was piling up so fast in the streets, it was pitiful, and I was out shoveling half the time, we didn't expect customers, the conditions were horrible. (The trick is to shovel every half hour, and it's less work in the long run... just sayin'...) And then Jake came.

Jake was an old man from Greece, lived a block away, and on holidays, he would come into the cinema and give us candies he made himself. He was a lovely man, possibly seventy, and we all really liked him, and gave him freebies for the movies, and it was always his 'thank you'. I never learned if he had family here. And always had the feeling we were his family. His candies were delicious.

And that day.... he'd probably strained himself getting there, he was smiling with a bag of candies for us... half opened the heavy door, and suddenly gasped, grabbed his chest, and fell back on the sidewalk.

The two stand attendants screamed, and I yelled 'Call an ambulance! NOW!'

And rushed out to Jake, and began doing CPR on him, straightening his head, opening his mouth, and doing what I was taught in first aid, pushing his chest, trying to get his heart re-started, doing mouth to mouth, and screaming inside. And the ambulance wasn't coming, the streets were full of about a foot and a half of new snow, and were unplowed, they couldn't get there.

And I worked so HARD to try to keep him alive, and was freaking out and angry and frustrated. Yelling, 'Don't you DARE do this to us! Come on, come back, damn it!'

It seemed like forever.

And all of a sudden... he took a deep breath, and exhaled, and there was a rattling sound, and I knew he had gone.

But... I don't know how to explain this. He was still there. It was as if his presence was still next to me, telling me it would be ok. And I was crying for this man I hardly knew, but who was so lonely and kind, it was heart-breaking.

His kind brown eyes were still open, as if astonished. The snowflakes kept blowing in and melting in the warmthness of them, and running down in 'tears' on his cheeks.

I didn't close them. I wanted to remember, and he was lovely, and mischievous and generous in his little way....

And then the ambulance arrived. And they tossed him in as if they were garbage men picking up something on the street that got left behind, and I really went off the charts for denigrating. 'Don't you TREAT him like that, he's a HUMAN BEING!'

(Yeah, I was in shock.)

My co-workers had called the owner, my wonderful 'erzatz-father', Bernie. And he got me into the office, and I was just numb. Everyone else was afraid of him, but he was one of the kindest men I have ever known. And he asked, 'Ya wanna go home?' 'No, I couldn't stand it.' 'You gonna be ok?' 'Yup, I will.' I convinced him, he left, and then I quietly went to the wc and threw up.

So we got to see the film, me standing 'guard' inside, and there was a scene that was so similar to what I had just experienced, I was back in the wc.... barfing and crying.

But I was always good at covering up what I felt. Being in the closet can make you be really outwardly deceptive. And I trudged over to my aunt's house with more than a foot and a half of snow and it still coming down, and politely made excuses for being so late... had to work... and I trudged on home with more than a foot and a half of new snow unploweded in the streets, and veryone wondered why I didn't have any appetite. And I just said, 'Well, someone gave me some candy at work. I don't think it agreed with me.'

Inside, I was shattered. I haven't seen anyone die since, and wouldn't wish to. If I think of people who have to see that every day... well, I wouldn't want to be in their shoes.

And always thought, 'there was something I should have learned in order to save him'.

And then it was too late.

Blizzards bring up horrible memories.