bombarded with impressions...

Hmm.. Peter is doing what people do when they are losing it.

He's on the edge, and still 'KNOWS' and is panicked. And it is heart-breaking to me.

The daily things are ok. The dark things, where he is somewhere else.... he is frightened, and very upset.

He tells me stuff that isn't true, because he 'dreams' it. Like they had taken him into 'town' today, which I hardly can believe... But in his mind, he was there...

Listen, I KNEW this was coming. Since the stroke. Günther pulled some strings, talked to the neuological station, and said, 'Listen... my colleague said that he has changes in his brain structure... if you take insulin too long, that isn't good either....' And that is what friends do.

Ya know, we have gay code... they have doctor code... and I knew what he meant.

And I thought, 'ob boy, here it comes...' Except it didn't. For a long while, but I knew...

So... we had a couple of good years, if hectic, but I KNEW it was gonna be horrible.

And went for it....

That is what commitment means.

So... I am trying so hard to be 'da Macho'. Truly.

The past two days, listening to 'the little boy, lost in the dark', makes me totally 'depri'.

Increases my other worries, as in 'what if he dies?' I don't think he paid off his burial costs. I recently learned that the grave he wants to be buried in doesn't EXIST any more... that was a treat...

The Church wanted five thousand Euros to keep both the grave and the Gruft up for the next ten years, and he didn't HAVE it. So they will ereadicate the people in there. Charlotte was so upset not to find her mother. And I KNEW it was because he didn't pay for it....

If worst comes to worst.... I don't know what the fuck I'm gonna do.

Life is a roller-coaster ride.

Ya never know....