you know how you get at a cross-roads, and aren't sure

what path to take next?

That is where I am at at the moment.

Had a horrendous 'moment' with what seems to be a nice lady today at Peter's place.

Just after I had an asthma attack and threw up.

He can really make me so upset....

But the aggrievance on the others' parts is really understandable, and totally upsetting, but that has upset me for a long time now.

It has to do with personal hygiene, and the fact that his bladder leaks all over the place.

And oh yes, I was cleaning it all up. Till the other week when he let me call the police unnecessarily.. And he 'thinks' she is going to come down and clean up after him, and I went negative.

It had nothing at all to do with feeling 'slighted'. He is so going into Alzi-land, and I am so not going with him.

His latest folly? Buying a pc and internet connection so that he can see the dvd's he'd bought per telephone, so he can watch them.... instead of a new dvd player. That is so fucked up, I do not know where to begin.

It wouldn't have cost a tenth of what he paid for the new set-up.

And he has no idea how to do a pc, and isn't interested.

He just wants to see his dvd's....

But cleaning up after himself? Don't ask...

I had an asthma attack this morning and threw up.

And then had to face a neighbour, going out. She is friendly, and ok. She isn't angry, she was concerned. And wanted to warn me. Others in the house are complaining that it stinks of urine when they go out. Because he doesn't make it to the toilet on time at night, and doesn't clean it up. If I go in it gags me.

Well, all I can say, is let the house people come and check up on what he has done, and stick him in a home, hey. I know that sounds very crass, but you can only take so much.

And you can only DO so much, and then you get worn down.

And I can't take that any more.

And I can't take all the stress any more, and thought that the Serbian bitch would come down and do the cleaning, because I have enough to do at my place. He said that was part of the 'deal'.

You'd think....

So... am just going to let everything take its' course.

That sounds very hard of me, I know... but have been the 'protector' for too long, have put up with the whole shit for so long, have paid for his idiocy for way too long.

I'm not going to lift a finger.

I risked too much, lost too much, got hurt too much.... and really don't know what I should do any more, I really don't.

So... you see?

You can fall in lurv... And then you aren't really yourself. Till one day you wake up and find you spent way too much time, and got fucked over in every way possible. You can tell yourself that you meant well, you can tell yourself that things would become better, and hope... but you can also end up being the idjit.

Because you just loved....

And that isn't just because he became ill. I did so much.... I saved his life more than once.. But if I was ill, he treated that as if it were treason on my part. And my ideas weren't reasonable or me being accountable.

Everyone is accountable for themselves. Period.

Relationships....

People just end up hurting people. And the party who cares gets cut to ribbons with psychical razor blades.

Just don't come at me with gay marriage, or marriage of any sort.

I haven't seen ONE that was something to attain to.