Am going to the doctor tomorrow... promise, cross my heart....

And I fucking hate it already, but am going, promise... cross my heart....

And I just KNOW he's gonna put me in the fucking hospital, and I don't wanna go.

But at the moment, I do not see any other way.

So I can suck it up, hey.

If I am gone for a few days, well that is why.

No one should feel like I feel at the moment.

And every time I go to the bathroom... there is blood.

I am so going to hate what they are gonna do to me.

I am supposed to go out with my former bosses tomorrow.

My phone keeps ringing off the hook. I do not pick up.

What am I supposed to say? 'Sorry I can't go, because I tend to throw up in public, and when I do number two, I see blood in my stool, and around it, and my one hemmaroid isn't active at the moment?' That would NOT be an ice-breaker, belive me....

So YES, will go to the doctor tomorrow. And he's going to slap me into a hospital, and I don't wanna go....

A very nice lady from Texas has been encouraging me to go, but not like Annti, just using logic....

So I guess I am gonna haveta go...

Have been using every excuse in the world not to go... but had to face the fact that I can't be of any help to anyone if I feel so sick myself, that I can't do what I wish.

At least I will not get into debt.

They keep calling, and so I finally picked up.

It was my old boss.

So I told her what was going on, and wanted to excuse myself.

Over thirty years, we could drive each other fucking crazy. But it was always with the utmost respect for one another, when we differed. And I love her very much.

I understood where she was coming from... I think she understood me. And she never lost one mean word about my life choices. God, that word looks stupid... Am tired, I guess....

But she was always there for me when my life seemed to be falling apart. And always truly liked me.

And I have always truly liked her.

She has always been my living history person, family sort of from the dark side....

Whatever, tomorrow... I take action.