More snow...

And I had to take Peter downtown to his bank person. And it snowed. Fine wet snow.

Can we say I didn't LIKE it, Preciousses?

When it snows here, I go into hibernation under my blankies....

And cuddle in the warmth...

But no...

Had to go out. And bring Peter downtown. On the fucking bus.

We must have a horriday, they let the ramps down.

Wonder of wonders, hey....

The driver didn't 'like' my sarcasm. Uh-uh... Ask me if I care...

So somehow we got the the bank... and for the very first time in over thirty years....

I messed with Peter's finances.

I TOLD the guy... 'You get him to sign this that his telly-com bill gets automatically taken from his account. Because I am not going into a fight with them for a month again when he forgets next time.'

And I WALKED.

I am so glad I do not have that provider.

Ruthless.

So I rolled him home through the snow, we got some groceries, and went home. Ramps out, ooooo.....

He ate a bit, and then fell asleep.

I was looking at things on his internets... he wakes up after half an hour and asked.....

'How long have you been here?'

I remained calm.... and said, 'You just slept half an hour... and we were in town and it was snowing...' (Now the killer) 'Oh, I forgot.'

Right.

Listen, I knew this was coming....

But when it comes.... no one is really ready for it.

He can't concentrate on anything for more than ten minutes.

At the moment...

It breaks my heart.

And you are so ill-equpped to deal with it. Really.

So you take a deep breath, and try to remain calm, and do what you can....

When you WANT TO SCREAM and SHOUT and be VERY NASTY, because it isn't fair.

Except you do not. It is inside.

NOTHING is perfect, ok? Nothing.

But I KNOW... if Peter doesn't do something soon on his own... he will die.

Because I think he WANTS to. I can talk myself blue-in-the face... nada, niente, schon gar nichts.

For those of you who have known him in his 'good years'.... and he was already ill then, he was funny, brilliant, had a history.

Before, he was athletic, interesting, knew so much about the world of theater and arts...

And he chose to love me....

And teach me.... about 'SO-CI-ETY'.... uh-huh...

For all the things in our lives... he made me who I am.

I never gave up anything. I gained.

In his sickness, he did some terrible, hurtful things.

It comes with the territory.

But when I look back....

I miss the man who held me every night like a teddy bear to his chest like a child, and made me feel safe and protected, and go off the next day to want to conquer the world.

And now I just have to look on, and want to cry...,

If you have something or someone good in your life.. use each day to the fullest.