Why the fuck IS it....

That the moment I have just a second of hilarity, and feeling good,

Reality crashes in?

And makes you feel like... I don't know... horrible, and even a bit frightening.

I had just made an evening snack. Had slept most of the afternoon.... And woke up to the oddest dream, and a craving for... chicken pot pie. Which doesn't exist here, and I had nothing in the house to make one with.... It was totally odd.

So I had done some wash, and checked to see how it was drying, mundane junk....

And the fucking phone rang.

I have a telephone with the worst, most penetrating ring in the world, no joke.

And no one who knows me, calls me after 7 p.m. in the evening, so it was 'unsettling', file under 'WTF NOW?'

And it was Peter, 'all bright eyed and bushy tailed' from his tone. When was I coming over, he had so many plans for the day, wanted to buy a shaver, and so on... And I thought, 'WHAAA?'

I do not know how I remained calm, I really do not....

'So when are you coming over.we gotta get going....'

And I thought, 'Whaa?''

'Where you wanna buy something on a Sunday night when the whole fucking country is in lock-down?' I didn't say it... but I didn't get it at first...

He doesn't have a 24 hour clock. And thought it was 7 a.m. Monday, to-fucking-morrow...

Today is evening, Sunday....

He has been using his neighbor's telephone, and I think his neighbor 'got' it. He is 'Rocco's' father across the hall from him. Rocco is a wonderful dog, fierce and neat. Like him muchly, that dog...

Mr. L. is another amputee, don't know why, but Rocco is great. And big....

So Mr. L. corroborated my info that today is Sunday, still. I think it freaked him out as much as it did me....

And said that it wasn't morning but evening. This time of year, with the light and mostly darkness, you can make mistakes, but this was crass.

And Peter said, 'oh, am so sorry, I thought it was tomorrow.'

HerrGOTTnoch mal!.....It crushed me.

It is why I like 24 hour clocks....

And NO.... I know what is happening. And I so hate it, I could rip myself in two like Rumpelstitzchen. Which wouldn't change anything at all...

Sometimes.....

You can love someone so much and believe it will last forevah.

Sometimes....

Other things happen and you need to do something, and you do what you can, because you made a commitment in your heart.

And sometimes.....

That commitment becomes a burden, but you go on.

And sometimes....

you reach a point where you are 'at the end of your art', as people can say here. Where you just do not know or believe you can fix anything any more.

People leave you.... sooner or later. Sometimes unexpectedly, sometimes protractedly, and that is the worst you can ever experience, or imagine.

It is why I love the musical 'Into The Woods' so much.

People will leave you.... And you have no say in the matter.

The thing on my birfday.... I thought it was a brain hiccup. There has been so much since.

If I get 'silly' on my blog.... it isn't because I'm careless or fucking care-free.... Sometimes I need a minute's breathing space.

Or I would kill myself.

There are so many things I do not NEED in my life... and whoa, I know what is coming after tonite. I KNOW....

And it is gonna be fucking devastating, and some one of these days, I will have to watch while they put the one person I ever loved with all of my heart into the ground.

And that way too early....

After so much sickness and suffering.....

Y'know... when you SEE someone fail in their faculties, as well as being so ill....

It rips your heart out, so to speak.

So no, I didn't much like tonight.... and am unspeakably horrified....

Because I KNOW what is coming, and guess what?

I don't LIKE it.