Herzinfarkt city.....

(Heart attack city in translation....)

I have been so exhausted with all the uproar lately, that I went to bed yesterday, and slept right around the clock. Which means depression. Sometime in the night I got up and went to the WC, and noticed that I hadn't hung up the telephone correctly. So I put it down as it should be.

Which meant Peter hadn't been able to get through in the afternoon. I have a very wonky telephone, and the receiver often doesn't fit into the cradle correctly. And he had sounded horrific in the morning. I told him to fucking call an ambulance.

This morning I woke up to find it was quarter to ten. Peter calls daily, usually just after eight a.m. So I waited and waited. With growing unease.

My best thought was that he did call an amublance, and didn't have a way to call me. I do not want to express what my worst thought was. So I finally called. No answer. Shortly thereafter, the phone rang. There is a bed for him in the hospital on Monday. And they changed all the locks on the doors yesterday, so I wouldn't have been able to get in if I had wanted to.

His condition is so poor... I can't even describe it. I wasn't even able to go off the charts for enraged, because I KNOW they'd have taken him immediately.

Stubbornness rarely gets anyone anywhere.

Christ, what a mess... and I have felt so sick, I can't even begin....

So am going to bed for two hours, and then get myself over there. I need to feel fresh to be up for this.

Update... just got back. I just don't know where to begin... sorry... I do not.
I wanted to get him whatever groceries he needed for the weekend. He was struggling to find the simplest words, hey. I am NOT made of glass, and I do NOT break easily... and yeah, I remained composed, and listened, but I hated what I was hearing.

This goes beyond most of what I have experienced to date, so it is new to me.

Am not dumb. Even when I was 26 and he was 36, I KNEW that if it lasted, there might be bad times ahead as we became older. But I had NO idea of what 'bad' can be. Just when I thought I had seen it all.... it floored me today to see what condition he is in.

I am so hoping that whatever it is this time is quickly taken care of and that his mind comes back to some semblance of what it has been.

These past weeks feel like I'm going through what St. Sebastian did, and no, am not in the martyr market. Arrows....

People just shoot them at you, and you try to get up and go on.

Tja, that is a silly comparison. But arrows do hurt, whether verbal or just behind you when you don't see them coming.